Lasting relationships
by Kate James
‘We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.’ Sam Keen
Given how much we change over the course of our adult lives, it seems only natural that we will occasionally experience difficult times within our long term relationships. Whether they be with friends, partner or family, charting a completely smooth course throughout the years isn’t always easy. I would actually go so far as to say that a long term relationship without the occasional glitch along the way is potentially not a completely open one.
I’m not suggesting that we need to seek out conflict or difficulty in order to enjoy a satisfying friendship or partnership but we do need to acknowledge that people have their differences and over the passage of time, we change. We need to be willing to address the issues that arise to allow our relationship to continue to grow. Sometimes working through such issues results in a degree of conflict.
In some relationships, conflict is viewed as completely unacceptable. Keeping the peace and maintaining harmony at all costs is a greater goal than speaking openly and honesty. In others, conflict is dealt with in an angry or hostile manner that evokes fear and insecurity. In a healthy relationship, differences of opinion are acknowledged and talked through - even when those conversations are difficult.
Sometimes our differences of opinion need to be accepted as an integral part of the fabric we weave with the people we love. It is these very differences that bring richness and colour to our lives as we allow ourselves to be open to new ways of seeing things.
If you’ve ever worked through a challenging patch and resolved or agreed to accept a difference in opinion, you know the experience of greater depth in your connection. There is nothing quite as validating as the sense that the person you love knows you deeply.
Too often we walk away from long term partners when the going gets tough. The culture we live in is partly to blame. Society often sends us the message that if it’s not perfect, it’s not good enough. Much of what we’ve learnt to expect from relationships has come from formulaic film scripts designed to make us feel good but that don’t offer a ‘real’ picture of love.
Real love is complex - it doesn’t necessarily feel great every day but the true measure is whether your life is richer with that person in it.
Creating a lasting relationship:
- Remember three things that attracted you to your partner (or friend) in the early days of your relationship and acknowledge that person for one of those things every day for a week
- Accept (and admit) your own imperfections and say sorry if you need to
- Avoid constantly criticising your partner - make sure your positive interactions significantly outweigh your negative interactions
- Make a commitment to spend time together doing something you both enjoy
- Keep your sense of humour
Kate James is a work life balance coach, writer and speaker. She works with professional people who want to enhance their quality of life by making the right career and life choices. You can find Kate at www.totalbalance.com.au.