Is asking for help a sign of weakness?
By Fiona Cosgrove
We live in a world that values independence, autonomy and personal freedom and we look up to people who make quick decisions and never falter from their path. These people often hold power and rarely have confidence crises. Or so we presume? But is this true?
The reality is that many of us juggle multiple roles in our overwhelmingly busy lives and are constantly trying to stay on top of everything, having little time for reflection or indeed (god forbid) mistakes. We strive to live up to standards that are set in the media, by other people or by our own sense of perfectionism and drive to “succeed”. It is important for us to be seen to be in control of our present, our past and of course our future, knowing exactly what our dreams, our desires and our strengths are.
But what about those times when the answer is not as clear, when the workload is overwhelming, when we have doubts about what we’re doing or why we’re doing it? Yes, they exist for everyone. But society does not encourage this display of weakness for after all, it is only worth winning when we have no doubts about the value of the prize.
We are all human and what makes is so is our ability to stand back and look at our foibles and our mistakes and think deeply about our reasons for doing anything at all. But what happens when we do not allow ourselves the space and time to do this? We become lost and isolated whilst moving in a crowded and busy life. This isolation for many will lead to anxiety and depression unless we can recognize the need for time out and to ask for help.
A REQUEST FOR HELP DOES NOT MEAN THE SAME AS A CRY FOR HELP
Just because we would like the support, opinions or ear of others does not mean we have failed or are in some way deficient. Asking for help is actually:
* Pro-active
* Respectful (of others’ expertise)
* Takes courage
* Inclusive (recognizes the need for others)
* Humble
As a coach, I am privileged to meet some of the most interesting and insightful people. Over the years I have come to realize that the people who are willing to put trust in others and to admit they are “stuck” in a problem, or with a decision, are often the strongest and most courageous people around and a pleasure to work with. Whether their need is for help with lifestyle changes, with direction in their career or relationship, or to gain clarity about their goals for the future, they all bring an honesty and willingness to change that is refreshing in today’s world of experts.
WHEN AND WHY IS APPROPRIATE TO ASK FOR HELP?
Life throws many challenging situations at us and we are constantly called upon to make decisions. Some of these can impact our life greatly and also those of other people and we frequently find ourselves “stuck” or caught in ambivalence about which option to take. But there are also times when we can’t see any way forward and would benefit by being able to see that there are always choices. With the complexity of our lives today, no one area is exempt from the occasional stress of not knowing what to do next. Consider:
Work-related areas
Am I enjoying my job and if not what should I be dong about it?
Do I need to change career or can I make changes in my current situation?
Relationships
Am I giving my relationship the attention it deserves? Can I do anything differently that will improve things at work/home?
I would like to find someone to share my life with. Am I allowing this to be possible? What do I need in a partner?
Should I stay in my current relationship?
How can I relate better to my kid/family?
Leisure
Am I spending enough time on activities I enjoy and become absorbed in? Have I forgotten how to switch off? How can I change this situation which has become a bad habit?
Health and fitness
My work and personal life is great but I am carrying too much weight and don’t know where to start to change things. I need help with a plan and something that will work for me.
I am constantly feeling tired and can’t work out why this is happening. How can I pinpoint the major problem?
Financial
Am I following the best plan? Should I be investing in a different way? Will I have enough to live on after retirement? What is really important to me for the future?
And the list goes on.
WHEN WE ASK FOR HELP, IT DOESN’T MEAN THAT WE DON’T ALREADY HAVE THE ANSWER
What regularly becomes apparent when we are on the receiving end of a “request for help” conversation is that the person rarely wants the answer given to them. What they really need is a safe space to consider all aspects of the situation and time to work out what they really want, what their options are and which is the best to take. Sometimes they just need to create a plan. And very often they simply need a sounding board or a “mirror” held up for them to see the position clearer. As a friend or a coach, we can do this but frequently fall into the trap of thinking we need to give them the solution to their problem.
HOW CAN WE BEST HELP OTHERS?
If we think of carrying a flashlight to these conversations, it can be a great reminder for what will be of most use to our friend, our colleague, our client – or even our family. When we shine the flashlight on certain aspects of the situation, we make it come into focus and encourage the person to look more closely at that aspect. This symbolic flashlight might come on when certain words are used, or when something is glossed over or when everything seems too complex and it is useful to concentrate on one part of the story. The methaphorical “flashlight” is much more useful to carry than a repair kit or first aid box. When we learn how to help others in an effective and respectful manner two things happen, we let go of responsibility for that person’s life and we become much more willing to ask for help ourselves.
Everyone likes to help people but there are ways of doing it that are more useful than others. In giving assistance, we gain feelings of contentment and satisfaction. It feels even better when that person comes up with their own solution and we have simply been a catalyst or sounding board. So next time we struggle with a dilemma, why not give the privilege to someone and seek help from an appropriate source?
Fiona Cosgrove has over 20 years experience in the wellness & fitness industry - owning and managing clubs in Australia and Asia, including No 1 Martin Place, NSW Fitness Centre of the Year, 2006. Fiona is the author of Coach Yourself to Wellness and she regularly runs corporate seminars and workshops in the areas of healthy lifestyle, motivation and wellness.