Letting go of the need to be liked
By Craig Harper
I have a moderately high profile here in the little fish-bowl that is Melbourne, Australia. I’m definitely not famous but it’s fair to say that my name and the name of my business are both quite well known. Having a profile can be both an advantage and a handicap. As can having no profile. One day when I was in my late twenties – about three weeks ago – I had an interesting and memorable conversation with a friend of mine. At that point in time, my business had just started to take off and one of the by-products of that growth and success was an increasing profile. Anyway, one of my buddies was at my gym doing a workout and we were engaged in what seemed to be, a very unspectacular and typical conversation. Unspectacular and typical until he informed me that he had recently met “a bloke who hates you”. That is, me.
A Challenge for the People Pleaser
Being the ex-fat kid and chronic people pleaser that I was at that stage of my journey, my heart sank. Before I even knew who my critic was, I was wondering why he didn’t like me, what I had “done wrong” and how I could change his impression of me. I momentarily switched my attention back to my buddy and the conversation and enquired as to the identity of my detractor. When my friend told me who the Craig-hater was, I was dumb-founded because I had never even heard of him. ”Who”, I asked again. He told me his name once more. “What does he look like? Where does he work?” After a few minutes of my very best detective work, it became apparent that the bloke who hated me… had never even met me. Ever. Never had a conversation with me. Never even been in the same room. Wow. I was stunned and if I’m being completely honest and transparent, a little hurt. Like most people, I liked being liked. And I didn’t like being disliked, especially when I didn’t deserve the er… disliking.
There are Others?
Since that time I have been disliked by many people. And perhaps some of it was justified… me being innately flawed and all. Both, people I’ve met and people I’ve never been in the same room as have found reason to dislike me. And I’m okay with that. Very okay. I have long since realised that that’s how the world works. How people work. The practical reality of existing in a world full of people whose behaviours, feelings, opinions and words are largely influenced by ego, attitudes, fear, greed, insecurity and social-programming is that there will always be people who will find fault in you and me. No matter how “nice” we are. Or try to be. People will always find (or perhaps create) a reason (rationale, explanation, justification) for not liking you. And of course there will also be those amazing, incredible, positive people who will encourage, support and love you no matter what.
The Ninety Nine… and the One
A really interesting phenomenon about us often-insecure creatures becomes apparent when someone is liked by ninety nine people (for example) and disliked by one. Who is it that typically has the biggest impact on that person’s emotional state? Is it the one, or the ninety nine? You know the answer. Why? Because (1) on some level we have an unhealthy and unrealistic desire for universal approval and acceptance (that’s gonna wear you out) and (2) we have an uncanny knack of finding a needle of negativity in a haystack of hope - and then focusing all of our misplaced attention on that needle. We ignore the good while finding the bad. Dumb plan. And a poor investment of our emotions. Some of us consistently find new and exciting ways to complicate the simple, to misinterpret intentions and words, to over-react, to create problems out of thin air, to major on minors and to “catastrophize” the trivial and the incidental. The Drama Farmer; he sews seeds of insecurity, he waters his own self-doubt and he cultivates (creates, grows) his own problems. Avoid his produce at all costs.
Want Vs Need
Of all the human drivers, the desire to be wanted, loved and of course liked, is near the very top of the list. And while that desire is completely understandable – normal even – it can become problematic when the “want” becomes a desperate and unhealthy “need”. Not everyone will like you and that’s okay. For your own health, it needs to be okay. When it’s not, you have an issue. Get comfortable with the concept and your head will be a much healthier place to visit. Perhaps there are people who are universally liked and have zero detractors but I’ve never met one. And I won’t hold my breath.
Some suggestions
1. Don’t compromise yourself in order to be liked. You’ll be liked by others (perhaps) and loathed by yourself. Don’t work at being popular, work at being you. It’s a lot easier and requires a lot less energy and acting.
2. Identify your core values – the things that are most important to you – and live a life in alignment with those values. That way you are being your authentic self rather than trying to satisfy somebody else’s needs, expectations, values, demands and rules. When your decisions and behaviours are a reflection of your core life values, you will be living a life of synergy, harmony and contentment, the “need” to be liked will be a non-issue.
Craig Harper is a motivational speaker, qualified exercise scientist, author, radio presenter, television personality and owner of one of the largest personal training centres in the world. Visit Craig’s website motivational speaker for more life lessons.