By Andrew May

More and more people are finding holidays stressful. A recent survey by American Express revealed 40% of British holidaymakers find travel stress unbearable, with the same number claiming a visit to the dentist is less stressful than having a break. The Germans have coined a word for our inability to relax: Freizeitstresse, or “free time stress”.

Aren’t holidays meant to be a time out to recharge, refresh and rejuvenate? Stick to the following tips to ensure your upcoming break is more fun than a trip to the dentist.

1. Plan your break. So many people plan their working days to the last second but fail to give any thought to their time off. Pack early, ensure a good night╒s sleep before you leave and arrive at your destination feeling refreshed, not zapped.

2. Leave work in the office. Don‘t take reports or proposals to finish by the beach. Be disciplined and leave work in the office. Turn off technology and take time out.

3. Prune your schedule. Adrenaline junkies are notorious for getting back from holidays feeling tired and fatigued. Don‘t spend every waking moment scheduling activities, leave some margin to just chill and have time out. Try going slow for a while, you might just like it.

4. Learn to relax. Set up boundaries that force you to relax and try doing something else a little bit new in this day and age turn off your mobile phone for a while and ditch the watch!

By Andrew May

Sleep is as vital for the body as food and water, yet more than 60% of Australian adults are sleep deprived. Poor sleep impacts concentration and is detrimental to performance at work and has also been linked to increased risk of heart disease and obesity.

* Lost productivity due to sleep disorders costs Australia $2 billion a year, and America $35 billion (The Australasian Sleep Association)

* Fatigue was a contributing factor in 8% of accidents involving injury or death in NSW

* Over 1.2 million Australians experience sleep disorders

* New parents typically lose 450 to 700 hours of sleep in the first year

* The average person sleeps 1.5 hours less per night than we did 100 years ago

Causes of sleep deprivation include shift work, internet addiction and 24/7 digital connectivity, poor sleep hygiene, poor lifestyle choices and young children.

Tea with flowers after 3pm

Caffeine has a half-life of 5 to 6 hours and is a central nervous system stimulant so cut out caffeine from mid-afternoon.

Set Sleep Boundaries

Go to bed and get up at the same time each day. This will do wonders for re-setting your circadian rhythm (body clock).

Bed is for 2 things…

Use your bed for sleep and special cuddles. Avoid watching TV, using the laptop or processing work in your bed.

Recharge and Relax

Turn off the computer, mobile and TV one hour before you go to bed and consciously wind down before going to sleep.

By Andrew May

In last weeks column I spoke about the top 5 goal setting flops. This week we have a proven strategy to help you not only set, but also achieve your personal goals.

1. Ask the right questions

* What do you really want and why do you want to achieve it?

* How much does this really mean to you?

* What are the benefits of achieving this goal?

* Who else does this affect/impact?

* Are you really prepared to do what it takes?

2. Involve significant others

Enlist the support any buy-in from your partner, significant others, family, friends, colleagues etc.

3. Get Anchored

Write your goals down on a sheet of paper, simplify them into point format and then put in a place you will regularly see them. E.g. your diary, in the office, in the car, the bathroom, etc.

4. Small bytes

Leading psychologist George Miller believes we can only deal with 7 bits of information at any one time. Keep goals down to a manageable number and group similar areas.

5. Set a plan

After writing your goals down, work out a specific plan. Identify the key steps you need to take towards accomplishing your goal and assign specific dates.

6. Project the future

Review your goals at least every 7 days. Don’t leave it for another 365 days. Think what it is going to be like once you have successfully achieved your goals. How are you going to feel?

7. Reward yourself

It is important to reward yourself along the way as you tick off your action plan. Give yourself a pat on the back for sticking to the process.

Human beings make mistakes so don’t beat yourself up if you lose focus. If you find yourself relapsing sit down and go through the goal setting process again starting at step 1.

By Andrew May

12pm the fireworks crackle, hiss and bang. We grab the ones we love (or at least the closet people nearby), plant then with a New Years kiss and crack open another cold beverage. But then it happens. That little voice starts chirping in the back of our brains, setting new goals for the coming year.

Fast forward a few months and behaviour normally hasn’t changed. The stats tell us that:

* 25% of all new years goals are broken in the first 2 weeks

* Only 20% of people write their goals down

* Most people set the same goals, year in year out

So why do most people set goals that they don’t achieve? The Top 5 goal setting flops include:

1. Goals set to impress others

2. Goals that were forced upon you

3. Trying to do too much, too soon

4. Self sabotage due to fear of failure or low self esteem

5. Poor understanding of the goal setting process

Goal setting is a positive, powerful practice that ignites enthusiasm and provides clear direction. Next week we discuss how to set achievable goals.

by Andrew May

Now if you’re under the age of 10, Christmas is all about Santa, cool presents and endless playing during the holidays.

Yet for many adults modern-day Christmas is synonymous with holiday traffic, credit card debt, tension with family members and stuffing ourselves with food to the point where we explode.

But what is the true meaning of Christmas? For Christians of course it is steeped in tradition, remembering the birth of Jesus and celebrating the incarnation. While I am a Catholic (even though my mum wants me to go to church a whole lot more than I do), I believe Christmas is a lot more than just presents, or pigging out on food, or merely ticking the box by attending church.

In essence, it doesn’t matter whether you are Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, Hindu or Muslim - the true meaning is Christmas provides us with an opportunity to celebrate hope and the spirit of mankind. Be nice to other people, be generous (you can do this without buying expensive presents) and give to those less fortunate than you. More than 10 years ago when living in Hobart I remember buying a homeless man a roast chicken and giving it to him for Christmas lunch. The smile on his face and the warmth of his handshake stays with me to this day.

Let’s try and forget about all of the commercialism and stress that is often associated with Christmas and be thankful for what we have in this world.

“Peace on earth, good will toward man”. Merry Christmas!

By Andrew May

The latest census statistics reveal families with two full-time working parents and two dependent children under the age of 24 feel believe they need more than $110,000 a year just to survive. And in order to survive and achieve their financial goals, parents are sacrificing quality family time, holidays and basic rest and relaxation. According to demographer Bernard Salt, the modern-day family is turning into a NETTEL - Not Enough Time To Enjoy Life.

This got me thinking, quite a lot…

Have we really become so caught up with having all of the latest gadgets, toys, applications and material goods?

Are we obsessed with trying to pretend to be something we’re not?

Are we trying to keep up appearances primarily for people that we don’t really like anyway?

Have we all totally lost the plot?

I’m spending more and more of my time each day talking at conferences, writing books and coaching people - trying to help people tame technology, manage time and discover that elusive thing called a ‘life’. We are so good at planning how to run successful businesses, yet so bad (most people) at actually planning how to have a successful life outside of work.

I’m convinced – Work Life Balance is a myth!

The term ‘work life balance’ is a myth. And I actually believe that the term ‘work life balance’ itself sets many people up for failure because they either feel like their lives aren’t balanced or don’t have an understanding what balance is for them. And remember the set of scales that was so often used to depict work life balance, with work balancing on one side and life balancing tenuously on the other. Using these scales to depict work life balance again sets people up for failure because they illustrate that if work is going really well, then life tips over, and if your life is going swimmingly then work must suffer as a result.

Here are 10 common myths around work that kill productivity, resulting in employees spending unnecessary amounts of time at work, leaving no time to have a life.

Myth 1 – Hours worked = productivity

Busted! This myth annoys me more than all of the rest. The notion that working an 11 or 12-hour day, every day, results in boosted output and efficiency, is totally archaic. Sure, there will be some days where you need to really put in extra big days to finish projects on time, but if you’re working excessive hours day in day out, something is wrong. Most people who think hours worked = productivity are stripped right back to reality when I do a time audit on their actually daily output. Eliminate 80% of the emails which are a complete waste of time, subtract the endless and pointless meetings that waste hours on end, then get rid of the dozens of daily distractions and you’re left with a few hours at the most of productive work.

Improved focus + less distractions = productivity.

Myth 2 – Compartmentalise your life into 8 – 8 -8

Busted! The old notion of 8 - 8 - 8 where the academics during the mid to late 80’s told us we were meant to spend 8 hours working, 8 hours sleeping and 8 hours on recreational and social activities is largely a thing of the past. Most people work a lot more than 8-hour days to pay for things like mortgages and just affording to live in some of our large cities. Try talking to anyone with young children about the 8-hour sleep thing and they’ll just laugh in your face. My 16-month old daughter Miki doesn’t understand that mummy and daddy need 8 hours of quality uninterrupted sleep each night. And who on earth has 8-hours a day to recreate and socialize? Where on earth do these people live?

Myth 3 – Follow the leader!

Busted! Now, this one sometimes gets me into trouble, but I’m sticking to it. So many companies espouse to have a high-performance culture (which by the way is one of the most overused phrases in the corporate vernacular, maybe we should add it to office bingo?) yet so many of the leaders in the organization exhibit a low-performance behaviour pattern. Just because someone’s card says ‘boss’ or ‘senior manager’ doesn’t necessarily mean they are a great role model on being productive or how to have a successful life outside of work. And if Mr or Ms Big is the type of ‘leader’ who is always late for meetings, and then when they finally do arrive, spend half of their time texting or taking phone calls form other people… Hmmm, where do I start explaining exactly what I think of this as far as ‘leadership’ goes?

Myth 4 – Be polite and respond to every request

Busted! Most people are fundamentally good people, and this is one of the big problems. You see, before technology literally invaded our lives we were all taught to return every phone call, write back to every person who wrote to us, and respond to every task that came across our desks. But with the explosion of technology, viral marketing, social networking sites, overloaded inboxes and information obesity – responding to every request or distraction is a good way to stuff up daily productivity and ensure your time, energy attention is totally controlled by other people. Why do so many people allow this to happen?

Myth 5 – Time management will set you free

Busted! I think the old school of time management is fundamentally flawed. I tried it myself for years and went to every time management program available and despite what actions I took I still had never ending to-do lists and unfinished tasks. A number of the workshops I attended taught me to fill an already full diary with more meetings, more appointments and even more scheduled tasks. Sound familiar? I believe the problem is most time management programs were designed before the internet and digital devices totally changed the way we work. Rather than focusing on trying to do everything, focus on what’s really important and manage your energy and attention throughout the day to maximize output.

Myth 6 – Technology will give us more leisure time

Busted! Technology was hailed as our saviour. All of the new inventions hitting the workforce including fax machines, electronic photocopiers, personal computers and wireless applications were purportedly going to ensure we got more work done and therefore had greater leisure time. The reality is the latest batch of digital devices including iphones, Blackberries and PDA’s keep us connected 24/7 and working longer hours than ever before. I was in Fiji for a conference 5 weeks ago and couldn’t believe the amount of people having a so called relaxing holiday in the Pacific, spending hours and hours by the pool watching their kids frolic in the pool while they were glued to the mobile phone. Are we really that important that we can’t switch off even for a few days? Aaaaargh!!!

Myth 7 – Great employees/managers are available 24/7

Busted! This is a great philosophy to wear you down completely. Many of us were taught the outdated mantra that to be a great manager, employee, sales rep, etc required you to be available for staff and potential clients 24/7. What a load of bollocks! This creates a lot of arguments especially when I say this to sales teams. But if your systems, succession plan and customer service levels are that poor that you have to be available for every potential phone call or walk-in – what hope have you got of building a sustainable business? Work in periods where you are available and then take yourself off the grid and remove all distractions when you need to stick your head down and be super productive. Providing clear expectations about when you are and aren’t available avoids confrontation around for 98% of the population. The other 2% are happy being unhappy (also called miserable bastards) so decide if you really want to waste time and energy on them.

Myth 8 – Constant change is bad

Busted! If you can’t handle and bounce back from constant change, probably a good idea to look at leaving the workforce altogether. The only constant in the current workforce is change. We are a truly global market place and change spreads faster than ever. Look at the recent Global Financial Crisis; a great example of what happens to companies that couldn’t change quickly enough when the financial markets started to turn south is that they no longer exist.

Myth 9 – Work is done at your desk

Busted! The way we work has changed forever and working patterns are also starting to change. I remember one of the board members of my previous company told me he was concerned that I wanted to work at home one day a week as he thought this was setting a bad example. The reason I wanted to work from home is I knew without the normal interruptions I accomplished 3 to 4 times more work. Just because you’re not at your desk doesn’t mean you’re not working, Work is no longer a place we go to in the morning and leave in the late afternoon, work is a mindset we dip in and out of around the clock. I wrote the majority of this article sitting on a plane flying back from Adelaide, not at my desk…

Myth 10 – Corporate success = happiness

Busted! Countless studies report that happiness and contentedness is about bringing to life our complete selves, not just our corporate façade. Of course happy and content people work derive much pride and pleasure out of their occupations, but they also build in time for relationships, outside interests and passions, time for learning new skills and time to look after themselves. From my own experience, I have worked with so many people who have reached the top of the corporate ladder and are very rich financially, but almost bankrupt in so many other areas of their lives. A better model for happiness is: Successful career + successful life = happiness.

Plan having a life – the 10% Rule

The key to achieving a better integration between work and life is to start planning what you do outside of work. I know this sounds so simple yet so many people make this oh so complex. If most people were to spend only 10% of the time and energy they spend planning their business life on planning their personal life – they would have a much greater chance of leading a rich and contented life. Take some time to write down the type of life you want to live – right through to where you live, where you go on holidays and what you do to relax and unwind.

Busting the myths and changing the rules around workplace productivity will ultimately ensure you achieve a lot more in less time. This will also provide you with the opportunity to spend more time with friends and family as well as engaging in the activities you love. Getting the mix right is really hard and requires constant calibration. But trust me, if you work at it I guarantee you can have a great career and an amazing life as well.

Andrew May is is considered Australia’s leading expert on performance and productivity and is the author of the bestselling book, Flip the Switch. Andrew speaks at conferences across the globe, mentors CEO’s and senior managers. He is published throughout national and international media, with regular segments on 2UE radio, Mix 106.5 Body and Soul and Channel Nine’s TODAY show.

By Craig Harper

I have a moderately high profile here in the little fish-bowl that is Melbourne, Australia. I’m definitely not famous but it’s fair to say that my name and the name of my business are both quite well known. Having a profile can be both an advantage and a handicap. As can having no profile. One day when I was in my late twenties – about three weeks ago – I had an interesting and memorable conversation with a friend of mine. At that point in time, my business had just started to take off and one of the by-products of that growth and success was an increasing profile. Anyway, one of my buddies was at my gym doing a workout and we were engaged in what seemed to be, a very unspectacular and typical conversation. Unspectacular and typical until he informed me that he had recently met “a bloke who hates you”. That is, me.

A Challenge for the People Pleaser

Being the ex-fat kid and chronic people pleaser that I was at that stage of my journey, my heart sank. Before I even knew who my critic was, I was wondering why he didn’t like me, what I had “done wrong” and how I could change his impression of me. I momentarily switched my attention back to my buddy and the conversation and enquired as to the identity of my detractor. When my friend told me who the Craig-hater was, I was dumb-founded because I had never even heard of him. ”Who”, I asked again. He told me his name once more. “What does he look like? Where does he work?” After a few minutes of my very best detective work, it became apparent that the bloke who hated me… had never even met me. Ever. Never had a conversation with me. Never even been in the same room. Wow. I was stunned and if I’m being completely honest and transparent, a little hurt. Like most people, I liked being liked. And I didn’t like being disliked, especially when I didn’t deserve the er… disliking.

There are Others?

Since that time I have been disliked by many people. And perhaps some of it was justified… me being innately flawed and all. Both, people I’ve met and people I’ve never been in the same room as have found reason to dislike me. And I’m okay with that. Very okay. I have long since realised that that’s how the world works. How people work. The practical reality of existing in a world full of people whose behaviours, feelings, opinions and words are largely influenced by ego, attitudes, fear, greed, insecurity and social-programming is that there will always be people who will find fault in you and me. No matter how “nice” we are. Or try to be. People will always find (or perhaps create) a reason (rationale, explanation, justification) for not liking you. And of course there will also be those amazing, incredible, positive people who will encourage, support and love you no matter what.

The Ninety Nine… and the One

A really interesting phenomenon about us often-insecure creatures becomes apparent when someone is liked by ninety nine people (for example) and disliked by one. Who is it that typically has the biggest impact on that person’s emotional state? Is it the one, or the ninety nine? You know the answer. Why? Because (1) on some level we have an unhealthy and unrealistic desire for universal approval and acceptance (that’s gonna wear you out) and (2) we have an uncanny knack of finding a needle of negativity in a haystack of hope - and then focusing all of our misplaced attention on that needle. We ignore the good while finding the bad. Dumb plan. And a poor investment of our emotions. Some of us consistently find new and exciting ways to complicate the simple, to misinterpret intentions and words, to over-react, to create problems out of thin air, to major on minors and to “catastrophize” the trivial and the incidental. The Drama Farmer; he sews seeds of insecurity, he waters his own self-doubt and he cultivates (creates, grows) his own problems. Avoid his produce at all costs.

Want Vs Need

Of all the human drivers, the desire to be wanted, loved and of course liked, is near the very top of the list. And while that desire is completely understandable – normal even – it can become problematic when the “want” becomes a desperate and unhealthy “need”. Not everyone will like you and that’s okay. For your own health, it needs to be okay. When it’s not, you have an issue. Get comfortable with the concept and your head will be a much healthier place to visit. Perhaps there are people who are universally liked and have zero detractors but I’ve never met one. And I won’t hold my breath.

Some suggestions

1. Don’t compromise yourself in order to be liked. You’ll be liked by others (perhaps) and loathed by yourself. Don’t work at being popular, work at being you. It’s a lot easier and requires a lot less energy and acting.

2. Identify your core values – the things that are most important to you – and live a life in alignment with those values. That way you are being your authentic self rather than trying to satisfy somebody else’s needs, expectations, values, demands and rules. When your decisions and behaviours are a reflection of your core life values, you will be living a life of synergy, harmony and contentment, the “need” to be liked will be a non-issue.

Craig Harper is a motivational speaker, qualified exercise scientist, author, radio presenter, television personality and owner of one of the largest personal training centres in the world. Visit Craig’s website motivational speaker for more life lessons.

By Andrew May

This simple question plays a hugely important part in our lives and in our overall identity. It is one of the first questions we ask, or get asked, at parties, industry conferences and even extended family gatherings.

What we do for a living defines us. It gives us a sense of place in the world and can tell other people a lot about the type of person we are and our level of ‘success’. It’s more than a job – it’s a tag, a personal brand that provides insight into who we are.

When you answer “I’m a sales executive”, or “I’m a professional athlete” or “I’m a journalist” or “I’m in IT” people draw all sorts of conclusions. They might estimate how much you earn or weigh up what suburb you live in. They might hazard a guess at the type of house you live in, the model of car you drive, right down to the types of friends you have and the quality and excitement of your sex life… Or lack there of…

Personal Identity

Who you are is much more than your career alone. While our jobs are indeed an important part of our profile, they are just a part of the complete picture.

Defining yourself through only one aspect of your life – whether it is your career, a relationship, or financial status – is a recipe for unhappiness. Why? Because human beings are multi-faceted and we are definitely the sum total of all of our parts – not just one part in isolation.

Personal identity is the way you view yourself in the world. It directly impacts your thoughts, feelings, actions and even how you behave in challenging situations.

Your personal identity embraces your:

* Values and beliefs

* Strengths and idiosyncrasies

* Body image (also called physical identity)

* Personality and character traits (also called internal identity)

* Personal goals and aspirations.

* It also governs how you picture yourself in relation to other people and how you identify yourself in relation to your occupation.

Note that I have listed six separate components here. Six. Your personal identity is a multi-faceted hierarchy and our occupation is just one of these.

You are not your business card!

For many people work provides an important source of personal identity; for some it may be the only significant source. Work as your primary source of identity is fundamentally inadequate, because few of us can claim that identity forever. Sickness, disability, redundancy, retirement and the process of ageing all threaten an identity built solely upon our careers. But it is not the only source; we all have other identities. We are sons and daughters, mothers and fathers, grandmothers and grandfathers, friends and neighbours.

Discover an identity outside of your career

It’s important to have more to your self-definition than just a prestigious title, a Gold AMEX credit card, prime-parking position in the company car park or membership to the QANTAS Club Chairman’s Lounge.  People who rely solely on their career to define who they are risk becoming one-dimensional.

And what happens when that career expires or disappears? Like the high-school sports star who at 40 years of age realises they actually hit their peak in Year 12 and have been on a downward spiral ever since. Ouch!

Next time someone asks you what you do, try expanding your response a little. We can define who we are and what we do in a multitude of ways including our family, friends, signature strengths, skills and talents, hobbies, passions, personal experience, trials and tribulations, success, education and learning, spiritual development and even our pets.

“I’m a husband, a parent, a sibling and a friend: I’m a student, an athlete, a teacher and a coach; I’m a cyclist, a dog owner, an investor and an author; I’m a surfer (even though a really bad one!), a swimmer, a speaker and business owner.”

So, what do you do?”

List your answers and remember to broaden your horizons and include more than just your career.

Finished? I hope you’ve at least tried to list five to six different things. You probably won’t actually say all of this to someone when you meet for the very first time. In fact, I’d highly recommend you don’t unless you want to come across as a bit of a tosser! But this activity really helps you define what I call your true identity or Whole Person Concept.

We have many identities including:

* Parent

* Sibling

* Mentor/teacher

* Partner

* Athlete

* Community worker

* Volunteer

* Friend

So, what do you do - on the weekends?

A lucky handful of people combine their creative talents, hobbies or sporting skills with their day job. The rest of us pursue these activities in our own time, although no less passionately! Our amateur pursuits and hobbies tend to genuinely represent what we care about and how we define ourselves outside of work.

Go on, test it out. Ask someone what they do as a day job and they may or may not respond with enthusiasm. Ask them what they do on the weekend, or on holiday, or when they’re happiest and most people will light up like a Christmas tree. It may not be apparent on the surface, but the average office floor is swarming with amateur guitarists, golfers, surfers, soccer players, pianists, dress-makers, welders, painters, magicians, boating enthusiasts, car restorers, historians and more.

You can’t buy back time!

Who really wants to be remembered for having the emptiest inbox? Or for working the most hours in the multinational company that ended up going flop? Or for having the most holidays stock-piled waiting for the perfect time?

The cold hard reality is, you can’t buy back time. Work out how you want to be remembered and most importantly, how you want to remember yourself.

Your real identity is a melting pot of values, beliefs, abilities, successes, setbacks, failures and previous experiences. Your real identity is also something that can’t be taken away from you.

Allocate 10 to 15 minutes over a coffee or peppermint tea and really think about that fundamental question – so, what do you do? Reflecting on who we are and how we want to be is a very important habit or skill that so many people forget or just never get around to when life is constantly on fast-forward. Happy reflecting…

‘Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans’. John Lennon

Andrew May is is considered Australia’s leading expert on performance and productivity and is the author of the bestselling book, Flip the Switch. Andrew speaks at conferences across the globe, mentors CEO’s and senior managers. He is published throughout national and international media, with regular segments on 2UE radio, Mix 106.5 Body and Soul and Channel Nine’s TODAY show.

By Fiona Cosgrove

We live in a world that values independence, autonomy and personal freedom and we look up to people who make quick decisions and never falter from their path.  These people often hold power and rarely have confidence crises.  Or so we presume?   But is this true?

The reality is that many of us juggle multiple roles in our overwhelmingly busy lives and are constantly trying to stay on top of everything, having little time for reflection or indeed (god forbid) mistakes.  We strive to live up to standards that are set in the media, by other people or by our own sense of perfectionism and drive to “succeed”.   It is important for us to be seen to be in control of our present, our past and of course our future, knowing exactly what our dreams, our desires and our strengths are.

But what about those times when the answer is not as clear, when the workload is overwhelming, when we have doubts about what we’re doing or why we’re doing it?  Yes, they exist for everyone.  But society does not encourage this display of weakness for after all, it is only worth winning when we have no doubts about the value of the prize.

We are all human and what makes is so is our ability to stand back and look at our foibles and our mistakes and think deeply about our reasons for doing anything at all.  But what happens when we do not allow ourselves the space and time to do this?  We become lost and isolated whilst moving in a crowded and busy life.  This isolation for many will lead to anxiety and depression unless we can recognize the need for time out and to ask for help.

A REQUEST FOR HELP DOES NOT MEAN THE SAME AS A CRY FOR HELP

Just because we would like the support,  opinions or ear  of others does not mean we have failed or are in some way deficient.  Asking for help is actually:

* Pro-active
* Respectful (of others’ expertise)
* Takes courage
* Inclusive (recognizes the need for others)
* Humble

As a coach, I am privileged to meet some of the most interesting and insightful people.   Over the years I have come to realize that the people who are willing to put trust in others and to admit they are “stuck” in a problem, or with a decision, are often the strongest and most courageous people around and a pleasure to work with.  Whether their need is for help with lifestyle changes, with direction in their career or relationship, or to gain clarity about their goals for the future, they all bring an honesty and willingness to change that is refreshing in today’s world of experts.

WHEN AND WHY IS APPROPRIATE TO ASK FOR HELP?

Life throws many challenging situations at us and we are constantly called upon to make decisions.  Some of these can impact our life greatly and also those of other people and we frequently find ourselves “stuck” or caught in ambivalence about which option to take.  But there are also times when we can’t see any way forward and would benefit by being able to see that there are always choices.  With the complexity of our lives today,  no one area is exempt from the occasional stress of not knowing what to do next.  Consider:

Work-related areas
Am I enjoying my job and if not what should I be dong about it?
Do I need to change career or can I make changes in my current situation?

Relationships
Am I giving my relationship the attention it deserves?   Can I do anything differently that will improve things at work/home?
I would like to find someone to share my life with.  Am I allowing this to be possible?  What do I need in a partner?
Should I stay in my current relationship?
How can I relate better to my kid/family?

Leisure
Am I spending enough time on activities I enjoy and become absorbed in?  Have I forgotten how to switch off?  How can I change this situation which has become a bad habit?

Health and fitness
My work and personal life is great but I am carrying too much weight and don’t know where to start to change things.  I need help with a plan and something that will work for me.
I am constantly feeling tired and can’t work out why this is happening.  How can I pinpoint the major problem?

Financial
Am I following the best plan?  Should I be investing in a different way?  Will I have enough to live on after retirement?  What is really important to me for the future?

And the list goes on.

WHEN WE ASK FOR HELP, IT DOESN’T MEAN THAT WE DON’T ALREADY HAVE THE ANSWER

What regularly becomes apparent when we are on the receiving end of a “request for help” conversation is that the person rarely wants the answer given to them.  What they really need is a safe space to consider all aspects of the situation and time to work out what they really want, what their options are and which is the best to take.  Sometimes they just need to create a plan.  And very often they simply need a sounding board or a “mirror” held up for them to see the position clearer.  As a friend or a coach, we can do this but frequently fall into the trap of thinking we need to give them the solution to their problem.

HOW CAN WE BEST HELP OTHERS?

If we think of carrying a flashlight to these conversations, it can be a great reminder for what will be of most use to our friend, our colleague, our client – or even our family.  When we shine the flashlight on certain aspects of the situation, we make it come into focus and encourage the person to look more closely at that aspect.  This symbolic flashlight might come on when certain words are used, or when something is glossed over or when everything seems too complex and it is useful to concentrate on one part of the story.  The methaphorical “flashlight” is much more useful to carry than a repair kit or first aid box.  When we learn how to help others in an effective and respectful manner two things happen, we let go of responsibility for that person’s life and we become much more willing to ask for help ourselves.

Everyone likes to help people but there are ways of doing it that are more useful than others.  In giving assistance, we gain feelings of contentment and satisfaction. It feels even better when that person comes up with their own solution and we have simply been a catalyst or sounding board.  So next time we struggle with a dilemma, why not give the privilege to someone and seek help from an appropriate source?

Fiona Cosgrove has over 20 years experience in the wellness & fitness industry - owning and managing clubs in Australia and Asia, including No 1 Martin Place, NSW Fitness Centre of the Year, 2006. Fiona is the author of Coach Yourself to Wellness and she regularly runs corporate seminars and workshops in the areas of healthy lifestyle, motivation and wellness.

By Adam Fraser

The top selling book in Australia at the moment is “The brain that changes itself”; which is all about how the brain can alter its structure. Up until a couple of years ago it was thought that the brain was set and we could not alter how it was configured. What we now know is that the brain is very plastic and is constantly remodeling itself.  The key to changing how your brain is wired is to change how you use it.

The brain is made up of a series of neural connections, which are simply a group of brains cells that work together. Every action, feeling and thought has a specific neural connection that makes that action, feeling and thought possible. As I sit here typing this article a series of neural connections fire to make my fingers select the right keys in the right order. When we feel anger and act inappropriately it is once again due to the triggering of a set number of brain cells acting as a team. Similarly, the way the brain stores information is that when we learn something new, say a word in French, a number of neurons are dedicated to that one piece of information and they are encoded with it. If you never revisit that word, over time those neurons split up and go off and fulfill other jobs. However if you regularly go over the word, that pattern will be re-enforced and the neural connection will be cemented down.

Think about when you were learning how to drive. If you started in a manual car chances are you would have been terrible – bunny hopping and crunching gears. The reason is that there was no neural pattern in your brain for driving; your brain simply wasn’t set up for it. You would also notice that it took a lot of effort and concentration to drive. Now, reflect on the last time you drove home? Did you think about it? No, you just drove home. Why? Because the neural pattern of driving is so engrained you don’t even have to think about it.

Strong neural patterns are like freeways in your brain, solid, deep, wide and easy to travel on. Weak neural patterns are like dirt roads narrow, shaky and difficult to travel down. It is simply easier for our brain to use the freeways and because of this they tend to direct the traffic down that route.

We are all born with certain talents and skills as well as a thinking style and an emotional bias. Some people are good at sports; some people are great at music; others are optimistic; some handle stress easily, while others fly off the handle when the slightest thing goes wrong. Think of these natural tendencies as freeways. Unfortunately humans tend to focus on the things they are good at and shy away from things that they struggle with. If we take music lessons and we don’t pick it up easily we will quit after a short period of time. All this does is reinforce our natural abilities or put another way, the freeways in our brain get all the traffic. The good news is that we can develop the dirt roads, it just takes time and effort.

Back to the driving analogy, driving starts out as a dirt road but with consistent practice and time it turns into a freeway. Neural plasticity does not only apply to motor skills. Studies have shown that pessimists (people who have a lot of freeways for negative thoughts) can alter their brain so that it begins to have a tendency for optimism. How did they do this? Normally when an event occurred they naturally thought a pessimist thought, however this time they recognised that thought, challenged it and then chose to think of it in an optimistic light. In other words they put a detour sign on their freeway and directed the traffic down the dirt road. After enough time of doing this, the dirt road starts to get wider, smoother and easier to drive on. In the meantime the freeways starts to get cracks in it and it loses its structure.

Martin Seligman took children who had a natural style of pessimism. Each evening he got their parents to ask the children 3 questions:

* What did you do really well today?

* What did you really enjoy today?

* What are you looking forward to tomorrow?

Over a period to time they found that the children started to have a bias for optimism. They simply changed their dirt roads into freeways.

How do we do this?

* Choose a behaviour, belief or thinking style that you want to change.

* Start to recognize when you do this behaviour, belief or thinking style.

* Challenge it and introduce a new behaviour, belief or thinking style.

* Reinforce this pattern, over and over.

The difficulty with this is that it takes effort, but when was the last time that something worthwhile was easy?

Case study

Gordon Cairns was the CEO of Lion Nathan. In 1997 the company was losing market share and the share price was dropping.

The HR department did a 360-degree feedback (where people at different levels give feedback on your behaviour) on the leadership team.

The results of the feedback showed that Cairns had a very aggressive/defensive style, he wielded power, was a perfectionist, demanding, task orientated and did not see value in staff development or culture. This attitude seeped down into his leadership team who mimicked his behaviour.

The HR manager Bob Barbour called them on their behaviour and said, “Your behaviour needs to change.” Can you imagine what he would have faced? However he stood his ground and this was obviously very confronting for the leadership team. Over time they realised that in order for the organization to change, they had to change. They took personal responsibility and accountability for their behaviour. With coaching, they started to instill a new culture around a style of education and encouragement. The result was a shift in their constructive styles, an increase of 53%. Cairns went from a tyrant to an empathetic and thoughtful leader.

When asked how he made this leap, Gordon Cairns gave the following advice.

Step 1: Get feedback on your behaviour

Step 2: Park your ego and take that feedback on board without being offended

Step 3: Have a clear idea of what behaviours you want.

Step 4: Get help – coaches, consultants, books etc.

Step 5: Keep measuring

Step 6: Understand that relapse is normal.
A great example of neural plasticity!