by Fiona Cosgrove

From the moment we wake to the moment we go to bed, many of us have a full “dance card”.  In other words, time allotted for various activities that need to be done in order for our life to run smoothly or to fulfill some other criteria we have set to make our life orderly and purposeful.  Having a purpose to our days is very important, otherwise, why bother getting out of bed in the first place?  The mistake we make is to create a life that is so full of “purposeful activities” that we forget why we’re doing them in the first place and we allow little time for pleasure.

Now purpose and pleasure do not necessarily have to be distinct from each other.  We may exercise for the purpose of maintaining a healthy body, or enjoy getting out on the bike or going for a run -  and they are great time efficient ways of living a happy and satisfying life – or at least for an hour of the day!  But we occasionally forget to take stock of our routine to ensure that we do have a portion of our day spent in pleasurable activities.  Because without pleasure, life becomes one long responsibility and drives us to forgo time where we can lose ourselves in something we enjoy.  It’s the “losing ourselves” that is the important piece.  Activities that allow us to have complete absorption and a loss of sense of time are known as activities that produced “flow”

What is flow?

The term “flow”is usually used in a sporting context, but the definition of flow is “a state of complete absorption in a complex and challenging activity that stretches one’s skills”.  And this can happen anywhere.  Csikszentmihalyi is a world famous researcher on the psychology of optimal experience –what he calls flow.  An essential element of any flow experience is that your perceived abilities match the perceived challenge of the task at hand.  In this balance, we can become truly “engaged” in the activity and some of our peak experiences will occur then.  He explains that flow experiences involve clear goals, effortless yet total concentration, a sense of control, loss of self-consciousness, an altered sense of time – complete absorption.  The more flow experiences we get in our life, the happier we will be.

So what in your life enables you to experience flow?  As a child many activities allowed flow as we discovered the joy in learning and play.  As adults, we may give up our hobbies or interests.   Take a look back at your week and make a note of anything you have done  that you really enjoyed, felt relaxed yet absorbed or challenged in the activity.  Was there something each day?  If not, time to schedule in some “flow-time”.

“Happiness lies at the intersection between pleasure and meaning.  Whether at work or at home the goal is to engage in activities that are both personally significant and enjoyable.”  Professor Tal Ben-Shaar from Harvard University.

Where do we find flow activities?

We can experience flow at  work or at home although often other factors affect our experience at work – anxiety, pressure or constant interruptions.

The type of activities that are likely to produce flow are ones that use our strengths.  If we can be creative and find ways to use our strengths and talents then the pleasure we gain from a task will increase.  We need to identify what we are good at and  use those talents.  It is likely that we will get more absorption and engagement when we are doing something that uses our strengths.

Find new flow experiences

If we are not finding our current lifestyle “flow-producing” then time to explore other options or interests.  Look back on what you have enjoyed in the past or take that next step to try something new which may give you what you’re looking for.

Why is flow important?

It can improve:

• Life engagement
• Life satisfaction
• Quality of life
• Positive emotions
• Our resources
• Our self esteem
• Our health!

Fiona Cosgrove has over 20 years experience in the wellness & fitness industry - owning and managing clubs in Australia and Asia, including No 1 Martin Place, NSW Fitness Centre of the Year, 2006. Fiona is the author of Coach Yourself to Wellness and she regularly runs corporate seminars and workshops in the areas of healthy lifestyle, motivation and wellness.

by Peter Crocker

Even as January ends, my street is still dotted with discarded Christmas trees, drooping fairy lights and half-deflated Santas. I know how he feels. With the tan faded and toys broken, how can you sustain that holiday feeling?

I’ve never managed to fully achieve it myself, but hope these strategies will make the difference this year:

Plan another holiday.

The fact that we’ve just had Australia Day helps, but I’ve already planned some more time off later in the year. Even though it’s months down the track, just booking it makes me feel better and it’s something to look forward to now the grind’s got going.

Focus on resolution results.

Now’s the time to revisit that overoptimistic list of New Year’s resolutions and start to focus on just a few key results. The year generally starts with lofty ambitions to get super fit and healthy, but by Australia Day, I’ve changed ‘get fit’ to ‘run twice a week’.

In terms of business resolutions, consider picking just two goals you’d like to reach in 2009 and list the specific actions and timings needed to achieve them.

Write it down and pin it up.

I’ve written up a few goals and resolutions and stuck it to my door. It is a constant reminder to help focus my activities and makes me feel organised, too.

Lower the expectations.

I’ve wondered before about whether our desire to always love our work is unrealistic. I like having a distinction between work and holidays. I remember the great feeling of freedom of breaking up from school. If we have no doldrums throughout the year, how do we enjoy the full elation of setting off on holidays?

How do you keep the holiday feeling alive? Is it possible? We’d love to hear your comments and suggestions.

And to the guy across the road, please take down your fading Christmas decorations. They’re an unwelcome reminder that the long break is over for another year.

Peter Crocker is a director of Flying Solo responsible for the areas of marketing and advertising. He is a business copywriter specialising in websites, videos and marketing communications.

For more from Peter Crocker, head to www.flyingsolo.com.au, Australia’s online community for solo and micro business owners.

By Dr. Adam Fraser

Ninety five percent of new years resolutions are never achieved, why are we so terrible at sticking to goals?

In a way achieving goals goes against our natural biological drivers. Our natural program is to avoid and move away from things that cause us stress and discomfort. Unfortunately most types of change and the majority of goals require a certain level of stress and discomfort. Studies have shown that the most common emotions people feel during the goal achievement process are frustration, anxiety, fear, boredom and apathy.

Therefore we have to realise that altering any habit or achieving any goal flies in the face of our normal biological desires and behaviour. Put another way its not going to be easy!! This statement is supported by research, which indicates that 85% of all goals set are never achieved.

The following research is taken from the PhD work of Dr Stephanie Burns an absolute guru in the area of goal achievement. It’s broken up into theory and strategies.

Theory is the background to goal achievement and will help you have a greater understanding of how change comes about.

Action items are things you can practically do to increase your chances of sticking to a goal.

Theory

• The amount of time you have to dedicate to a goal has nothing to do with your chance of achieving it. You can wipe someone’s day completely so they are free and this will not improve their chance of achieving that goal.
• Having a high level of self-esteem does not improve your chance of sticking to a goal. A lot of people who have high self esteem often talk about all the grand things they will do, but don’t do them. The only thing self esteem affected was the size of the goal, the greater your self worth the grander the goal you set.
• The main determinant of goal achievement was frequent and consistent action.
• When people stopped taking action towards their goal they rationalised it by making up a story around why they couldn’t do it. Most of the time they said it was not their fault. They said things like, “I am just not an exercise type person”, “the family is more important and I really need to be there for them”, When analysed their stories were inaccurate and delusional. Also often people who stoped taking action towards their goal, said that they were merely putting it off and would get back to it later, which they never did.
• When they compared themselves to other people who kept working towards their goal, those that quit perceived those that kept going as having a much easier time of it. They saw the other person’s goal as being easier, or their life as being better than theirs, or that the other person liked their goal more than them. None of these things were true. In fact those that stuck to their goals were as challenged, bored, frustrated with their goals as those that quit. They just didn’t see those things as a reason to quit.

Actions:

• Just start! Research shows that once we start the activity, momentum tends to make us keep going. For example to get people to exercise researchers got them just to walk for 10 minutes a day, however once they were out and exercising they continued to walk much longer than 10 minutes.
• Don’t think too much! People that didn’t achieve their goals tended to think about it a lot. For example say their goal was to go to the gym, those that didn’t get there would sit on the lounge and debate over and over again in their heads if they should go or not. Finally they ran out of time and couldn’t go. Those people that did achieve their goal didn’t analyse it too much, when it came time to do their chosen activity, they just did it rather than thinking about doing it. In a way their heads were quieter.
• Most goals are abandoned after 3 weeks. One key to achieving goals is to sustain the action long enough to see a result.
• Consider the little stuff. When people set a goal they only thought about the outcome they will get at the end of it. For example if it was to lose weight they fantasised about how good they will look when they achieve their goal. Unfortunately they have not thought about all the little steps they needed to take along the way and all the little challenges they will have in order to get their goal. For example many people who had the goal to get fit stopped that goal because it was a pain to drive to the gym or they couldn’t get parking near by. It was the little things that they did not even consider that derailed their goal.
• Create tension in your environment. Often children stick to new hobbies or sports because they have a lot of tension in their environment to make them keep going. Tension from parents, coaches, fellow students and teachers. All these sources of tension keep them accountable. Announce your goals to people and set up tension in your environment to keep you accountable to your goals.

“Dr Adam Fraser is one of Australia’s leading educators, researchers and thought leaders in the area of human performance! In this time he has worked with elite level athletes, the armed forces and business professionals of all levels. Check out his websites www.dradamfraser.com & www.theglucoseclub.com.au.”

By Craig Harper

Sixty eight going on thirty three

For those of you who have read my book Fattitude, you have already ‘met’ one of my favourite people; Jan Frazer. Jan is one of my trainers, has worked along side me at Harper’s for about fifteen years and is sixty eight years young. She’s a great trainer, gifted teacher, charismatic communicator, completely lovable chick and funny as hell. And no, she’s not great for a sixty eight year-old; she’s just great. Full stop. Her age is irrelevant. As it should be for all of us. She’s fit, strong, intelligent, driven, compassionate and has amazing people skills. She’s an inspired leader, role model and motivator who consistently produces great results with her clients. I’ve always been fascinated with Jan because she simply doesn’t worry about what someone her age is ‘meant to be doing’ (I hate that term) and she’s always doing things which would leave most thirty year-olds exhausted or intimidated. And no, this is not some feel-good, exaggerated, love-fest to make for an interesting article, it is a completely honest and accurate account of a woman nearing seventy who has a biological age of thirty three (yep, thirty three) and consistently produces incredible results in her world.

Mrs Hard Work

Sometimes when I’m mentoring someone who is hard work, I feel like walking them across the gym floor to meet Jan and saying something like, “Mrs Hard Work, I’d like you to meet Jan; she’s twice your age, fitter, leaner, stronger, never complains, is tough as nails and has an infinitely better attitude that you’ve ever had… so suck it up Princess!!”

Too nasty? Perhaps I should do it anyway.

The Rules

Jan is completely unaffected by the rules. You know the rules; the ‘what is and isn’t appropriate for someone of your age’ rules. I hate those rules. Always have. And don’t think that just because the rules aren’t written anywhere (formally), that they don’t exist; they absolutely do. In fact, they pervade every area of our existence; our culture, our language, our corporations and our collective mindset. I find many of these rules to be destructive, disempowering and completely unwarranted. I could give you countless examples of how we disadvantage our more ‘experienced’ citizens with our stupid thinking, rules, expectations and standards but I don’t want this to turn into an epic that you won’t read. If we were to believe some experts, we might be forgiven for thinking that anyone over fifty should have one of those disabled stickers on their car and be wrapped in cotton wool. Personally, I intend to head back to college when I’m in my sixties to do my Masters and possibly a PhD. Not wishful thinking, a plan. I also hope that Jan will work with me for a least another decade or two.

The Psychology of Aging

Neither is it wishful thinking when I tell you that age (as we experience it in our culture) is more about psychology than it is about physiology. It’s about much more than our body or how many years we’ve been here on the big blue ball; it’s about how we think, act, communicate, work, socialise, recreate and love. That’s why we see ‘young’ people in their seventies and ‘old’ people in their fifties or even forties - because years on the planet is only part of the age equation. Of course there is a physical consequence of time but many of us unnecessarily accelerate the aging process via our programmed ageist thinking, our poor choices, our stupid behaviours, our irresponsible diet, our sedentary lifestyle, our lack of exercise and our propensity to listen to the morons who tell us to grow old gracefully.

F*** that. I’ll grow old disgracefully thanks.

Old Before Our Time

Sadly, many of us will get old before we should. I won’t. And not because I’m genetically gifted but I choose not to get ‘old’ (in the way that many people allow themselves to age, that is). Even the term ‘Acting Your Age’ infers that we must fulfill some kind of pre-determined ‘old’ role. “How old am I? Okay, that’s how ‘old’ I should act. Hmm, exactly what is appropriate behaviour for some my age?” It’s ridiculous that we should somehow feel a need to conform to some standardised set of acceptable (and unacceptable) behaviours based on our chronological age.

Of all the mental barriers that we humans create for ourselves, the age thing has gotta be right up there on the ’stupid list’. The truth is that chronological age isn’t our real problem, how we (the society) think about age (and subsequently behave) is the problem. Of course the years have a physical impact on us (especially when we don’t maximise our genetics) but for the majority of us, age is more of a psychological issue than it is a physiological one.

Craig Harper is a motivational speaker, qualified exercise scientist, author, radio presenter, television personality and owner of one of the largest personal training centres in the world. Visit Craig’s website motivational speaker for more life lessons.

by Andrew May

When under extreme pressure or in high stress situations, you might find that you tend to think about things in negative and unhelpful ways. (‘I can’t do this!’ or ‘Why does this always happen to me?’, for example.)

Understanding the way you think is the first step to flipping the switch and having more Positive Automatic Thoughts (POT’s) and less Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANT’s). Recognising your ANT’s is the first step in learning to change them.

Learning how to identify unhelpful thoughts, and then to challenge and change them, can significantly reduce your negative emotions – whether or not you’ve managed to get yourself out of that pressure-cooker situation or job that caused them. Read the ‘stinking thinking top 10’ and think whether you have any of the following ANT’s.

1.    over-generalising ollie

This type comes to a general conclusion based on a single event or one piece of evidence. If something bad happens once, Ollie expects it to happen again and again. His thoughts often include the words ‘always’ and ‘never’. For example:

* I forgot to finish that project on time. I never manage to do things right.

* He didn’t want to go out with me. I’ll always be lonely.

2.    filtering freddy (selective abstraction)

Filtering Freddy is the most selective guy there is. He concentrates on the negatives while ignoring the positives. If this is you, you tend to ignore important information that contradicts your (negative) view of the situation. For example:

* I know my boss said most of my submission was great, but he also said there were a number of mistakes that had to be corrected … he must think I’m really hopeless.

3.    black and white bob (dichotomous reasoning)

B&W Bob thinks in all-or-nothing terms and has a tendency to view things in the extreme, with no middle ground. For example:

* I made so many mistakes … if I can’t do it perfectly I might as well not bother.

* I won’t be able to get all of this done, so I may as well not start it anyway.

* This job is so bad … there’s nothing good about it at all.

4.    personalising paula

Personalising Paula takes responsibility for something – anything – that is not her fault. This personality thinks that whatever people say or do is in reaction to you, or in some way related to you. For example:

* John’s in a terrible mood. It must have been something I did.

* It’s obvious she doesn’t like me, otherwise she would’ve said hello.

* I didn’t get the job because of my appearance.

5.    charlie catastrophiser

Charlie is always overestimating the chances of disaster. He constantly expects something unbearable or intolerable to happen. Such thoughts often begin with ‘what if…?’ For example:

* What if I make a fool of myself and people start laughing at me.

* What if I haven’t turned the iron off and the house burns down.

* If I don’t perform well, I’ll get the sack.

6.    emotional eddie (emotional reasoning)

Eddie mistakes feelings for facts. All the negative things he feels about himself just have to be true – because they feel true. For example:

* I feel like a failure, therefore I am a failure.

* I feel ugly, therefore I must be ugly.

* I feel hopeless; therefore my situation must be hopeless.

7.    mind-reading murray

Murray makes assumptions about other people’s thoughts, feelings and behaviours without checking the evidence. For example:

Greg is talking to Molly so he must like her more than me.

* I can tell he hates my shirt.

* I could tell he thought I was stupid in the interview.

8.    fortune-telling francis

Francis is a regular psychic. He anticipates an outcome and assumes his prediction is correct. These negative expectations can be self-fulfilling: predicting what we would do on the basis of past behaviour may prevent the possibility of change. For example:

* I’ve always been like this; I’ll never be able to change.

* It’s not going to work out, so there’s not much point even trying.

* This relationship is sure to fail.

9.    ‘shoulda’ sheree

Using ‘should‘, ‘ ought’ or ‘must’ statements, Sheree sets up unrealistic expectations of herself and others. This involves operating by rigid rules and not allowing for flexibility or individual differences. For example:

* I shouldn’t get angry.

* People should be nice to me all the time.

10.    magnification mary/minimisation martha

Mary and Martha have A tendency to exaggerate the importance of negative information or experiences, while trivialising or reducing the significance of positive information or experiences. For example:

* He noticed I spilled something on my shirt. I know he said he will go out with me again, but I bet he doesn’t call.

* Supporting my friend when her mother died still doesn’t make up for that time I got angry at her last year.

The four steps to optimistic thinking

Putting it simply, here’s how you go about replacing negative thoughts with positive ones.

1. Think about how you think.

2. Identify unhelpful ANTs (‘stinking thinking’).

3. Challenge your ANTs.

4. Replace ANTs with POTs.

Here’s how you put these steps into action.

1.    think about how you think

Hold on, this might sound a bit out there, but in essence it is about increasing your awareness of your cognitive processes – the way you think. The best way to do this is to start keeping a thought diary. Write down your thoughts (and feelings – they’re just as important) in different situations throughout the day. Note carefully the relationship between certain types of thoughts and certain types of feelings. At this stage, don’t worry about changing anything. Right now you’re learning to become aware of how you think in different situations (especially when under stress).

2.    identify unhelpful ANTs!

Automatic negative thoughts are a fancy way of describing the sort of thoughts that our friends Personalising Paula and Mind-reading Murray are having on a daily basis. It’s easy to see someone else’s thoughts, written down on paper, and think they look funny and over-the-top. But we all have these thought processes, whether it’s being over the top about something small, or believing that you’ve failed without even trying your hand at something. And although it’s perfectly normal constant ANTs lead to reduced output and performance. And, frankly, too many ANTs will make you an unhappy camper.

3.    challenge your ANTs

Just because you think something does not mean it’s true. Thoughts are not necessarily facts. If your ANTs are causing unnecessary distress you need to learn how to challenge or change them. Next time you hear the little voice in your head saying something negative, ask it a question. ‘Is that true?’ ‘Is that a helpful thought?’ ‘Is it really that bad?’

4.    replace your ANTs with POTs (positive optimistic thoughts)

We’re not talking about Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men, rather the final step in the optimistic thinking process. Once you’ve begun the process of identifying and challenging your negative thoughts, it is time to start planting positive thoughts. That doesn’t mean they have to be unrealistic – in fact, they shouldn’t be.

You need to now begin to add to the preceding strategies by:

* actively focusing on all the good things in your life

* actively looking for more good things in your life

* looking at difficult situations as opportunities to learn, and

* believing good things will happen in the future.
Every time you’ve captured a negative thought and challenged it, throw it a yellow card. Give it a positive thought – and although it might feel silly at first, soon you’ll realise that the negative thoughts are silly as well.

When you’ve mastered these steps you’ll experience more positive thoughts and fewer energy-draining thoughts. Make sure you do all you can to challenge your ANTs and replace them with POTs – it’s an ongoing process, but you’ll find that you quickly become good at squashing the ANTs in your life.

Andrew May is is considered Australia’s leading expert on performance and productivity and is the author of the bestselling book, Flip the Switch. Andrew speaks at conferences across the globe, mentors CEO’s and senior managers. He is published throughout national and international media, with regular segments on 2UE radio, Mix 106.5 Body and Soul and Channel Nine’s TODAY show.

by Andrew May

Everyone can benefit from regular exercise. Moderately exercising (such as a brisk walk) for at least 30 minutes a day for most days of the week will give benefits to overall health. People who exercise regularly enjoy the following benefits:
• Have lower blood pressure
• Find it easier to manage weight
• Have less chance of a heart attack
• Live longer
• Have strong muscles and bones
• Sleep better
• Feel more relaxed and confident
• Are less stressed

Here are some simple ways to get moving on your way to an active life:

1. Use the stairs rather than the lift or escalator where you can. If there is no option, walk up the escalator, rather than standing still.

2. When taking the bus or train, get off one stop early and walk the rest of the way.

3. Get out into the garden and enjoy the weeding.

4. Organise lunchtime activities with your workmates, or just go for a walk at lunchtime.

5. Wherever possible, walk or ride a bike instead of using a car.

6. Start and/or end each day with a walk around the neighbourhood (especially during daylight savings when there are plenty more daylight hours at the end of your day).

7. Next get together with your friends. Instead of the pub, why not go bowling, bush-walking, play tennis or some social cricket?

8. Hide the remote controls in the house and get up to change channels on the TV. Remember, exercise is an opportunity, not an inconvenience!

9. Join a sporting group, recreation club or gym.

10. Learn to play golf.

11. Hire an exercise bike so you can exercise at home.

12. Choose active leisure activities – walking on the beach, throwing a Frisbee in the park, bike-riding.

13. Take an exercise class – at a gym, in a community hall or at work.

14. Take your kids or grandkids to play ball in the park.

15. Walk to the next office to give a colleague a message, instead of sending emails!

Remember, find an activity you enjoy and that way you are more likely to keep it up!

Andrew May is is considered Australia’s leading expert on performance and productivity and is the author of the bestselling book, Flip the Switch. Andrew speaks at conferences across the globe, mentors CEO’s and senior managers. He is published throughout national and international media, with regular segments on 2UE radio, Mix 106.5 Body and Soul and Channel Nine’s TODAY show.

by Craig Harper

Yesterday we began to look at the role that Perception plays in our lives and towards the end of the article the question was asked “How do people perceive you?”

Here’s the last paragraph:

Do we really want to know how others see us? Yes we do. And if you don’t, you should. For a range of reasons. On Monday I’m going to tell you why not knowing how others perceive you puts you at a disadvantage, both professionally and personally. In life, in love and in business. And no, I’m definitely not saying that we should be obsessed with, or worried about how people see us. What I am saying is that most of us could do with a little more awareness and a little more understanding of how those around us see the world and everything in it. Including us.

A Scary Thought

The idea of knowing how people perceive us can be a scary thought, can’t it? On the one hand we’re curious to know what they think of us, but at the same time we don’t really want our feelings hurt or our already-fragile self esteem to take a further battering. Our curiosity and our propensity to self-protect intersect. But in truth it shouldn’t be about either of those things (curiosity or self-protection), it should really be about increasing our understanding, knowledge and awareness of human behaviour, communication, connection and beginning to learn how the people in our world (friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances) are wired.

Even the Chick on the Third Floor

Like it or not, every person that you and I interact with on some level - every person, every conversation, every situation, every day - has an opinion of you. Even the guy who sells you your paper and that chick on the third floor who you’ve never even spoken to. Big or small, accurate or not, good or bad, informed or ignorant, they all have an opinion and everyone in your world sees you in a certain way because consciously or not, you are constantly sending messages to those around you. Even when you’re not speaking, you’re telling those around you something about you. Keeping in mind that over ninety percent of communication is non-verbal, it’s easy to understand how we’re constantly ’speaking’ to those around us without uttering a single word or even being aware of it. It’s simple; to be more effective, we need to be more aware of what we’re saying (and not saying) to the people we come into contact with. Interestingly, the messages we think we’re sending are often quite completely different to what the majority are perceiving. And therein lies the challenge and the lesson Grasshoppers.

Worry Not

When I discuss this subject, I often get strong reactions from people who assert that “we shouldn’t worry about what others think of us”. Well, I totally agree with you; we shouldn’t worry (as such) but we should at the very least, have an awareness of how we are perceived by others. And not coming from a place of insecurity or some kind of need to be popular or liked, but for the purpose of being able to create and develop more effective, meaningful and rewarding relationships in all areas of our lives.

Communication

We know that on an interpersonal level, communication is our most important life skill. If we can’t communicate effectively with others (in our private and professional lives) then we can’t create that deep level of understanding and connection that brings us happiness, fulfilment and harmony. In fact, we’re more likely to create misunderstanding and disconnection because we’re constantly offending people, misreading situations and conversations and communicating inappropriately for that person, that situation and/or that conversation.

Am not, You are.

If you’re a teacher and the majority of your students consider you to be arrogant, then (1) you might wanna be aware of that and (2) you might wanna change your approach and your communication style. No, it’s not about compromising your message, your standards or being a people pleaser, it’s about understanding both sides of the communication process. After all, your students don’t live in your head and they don’t necessarily understand your intentions. Is it possible for you to be perceived as being arrogant without actually being so or realising that’s how people see you? Yep. And in this situation (as a teacher) you will need to learn, adapt, modify your style, increase your awareness and possibly get some humility… or sink. Or perhaps find a job where effective communication ain’t so high on the must-have list.

When Perception is Reality

If you’ve got teenage kids whose perception (rightly or wrongly) is that you’re too busy for them and that you care more about yourself than you do them (and you happen to be unaware of what they’re thinking and feeling), then you’re in trouble. Keeping in mind that their reality is in their head, their belief (about you not caring) is completely real. For them. Whether or not it’s our kids, our colleagues, our friends or the weird guy who lives over the fence, we need to learn to speak other people’s language and get a glimpse of (or insight into) their reality, if we want to have meaningful and productive communication with them . The question we need to ask ourselves is:

“How do I need to speak with this person (there’s no generic approach), in this situation, at this point in time, to create meaningful connection, real understanding and to produce the best possible outcome for both parties?”

Yes, it all sounds a little strategic, that’s okay; strategy is always better than ignorance or stumbling along in the dark. The truth is that in many situations and circumstances the majority of us have no idea of how people perceive us. We think we do, but in reality, we don’t. How could we, we’re not mind readers. We don’t live in their head, we live in ours but in some ways, we need to get a glimpse of what it’s like in their mind. You’ve never had a face-to-face conversation with you, have you? Sure, you have those internal dialogues but (naturally) you see everything through your eyes.

So how can we become more aware of how we’re perceived by others?

1. Listen more than you speak. Some people simply love the sound of their own voice. They don’t talk with people, they talk at them. They don’t have conversations, they give lectures. They don’t really want connection, mutual understanding or to listen to others, they want an audience and some attention. A soapbox. These people are highly unaware. Often deluded. Egotistical. Insecure. The only person who doesn’t know how annoying and self-absorbed they are, is them. “But enough about me, what do you think of me?”
2. Watch people. Consciously become more aware of people’s body language, their typical behaviours, habits and reactions and their non-verbal communication. What people do will tell you far more (about them) than what they say. Become more attuned to how they behave, react and communicate around you. Start to look at old things (friendships, situations, your marriage, business relationships) in a new way (put on some different glasses) and you’ll be surprised at what you learn. Most of us don’t see things, not because they’re not there to be seen, but because we simply don’t look for them or have that level of awareness. It’s like when you buy a new car and all of a sudden you see a million cars exactly like yours on the road. Yesterday you saw none, today a million. The only difference being that today you are infinitely more aware. Your perception has changed. You’re the same… but different. You’re driving on the same roads, in the same traffic (essentially) as you do every day, but instantly something has changed; your eyes have been opened to something you couldn’t or wouldn’t see yesterday. The lessons, the signs and the indicators are all there… but only if you want to see them. Of course we do this with our relationships and interaction with others; we see (1) what we want to see and (2) what we’ve been programmed to see over time.
3. Ask for feedback. If people feel safe and comfortable to give you feedback, they will. The trick is making them feel that way. Be open to that feedback and you’ll see things change for the better quickly. It’s easier said than done but do your best to avoid being defensive and precious. It is what it is. If they think it, they think it. Hear it, consider it and move on. By the way, hearing it doesn’t mean you need to agree with them. No, it just means that now you know how they think and feel. It certainly can save a lot of time, energy, problem-solving, guess-work and heart-ache if they will just tell us (honestly) what they think. Knowing how and what people think puts you in a better position to be able to communicate more effectively, openly and honestly and to create healthy relationships over the long haul because it means the conversations and relationships are not based on assumptions, misinformation or some kind of pseudo-connection. Sure, it’s not always an easy or comfortable process (to be so real and honest) but it’s well worth the effort.

I’m not done with this subject just yet, but that will do for now.

Craig Harper is a motivational speaker, qualified exercise scientist, author, radio presenter, television personality and owner of one of the largest personal training centres in the world. Visit Craig’s website motivational speaker for more life lessons.

by Craig Harper

Different Realities

Perception is an interesting thing. For the most part, it’s our reality. How we see things… is how it is. In our world anyway. And as I’ve said many times before, we exist and operate in a physical, three-dimensional world, but where we do most of our living, is in our head. We create our own reality (thinking, beliefs, values, fears, expectations, attitudes, standards, habits, behaviours) and we reside there for a lifetime. Sadly, some of us suffer there for a lifetime.

A Collision

Doing what I do for a living (okay, it’s a passion), I’m always interested to see how people respond to various situations, circumstances, events and challenges. Watching their perception (their version of reality) collide with a practical, day-to-day existence in the physical world is always enlightening. Observing how they interpret and react to different conversations. How they perceive and interact with other people. While one person interprets a particular situation as a disaster, another will see the same thing as an exciting opportunity. Someone else will see it as a lesson. And yet another will sleep through it. It’s also interesting when their reality (in relation to potential, change, possibilities, beliefs and ideologies) collides with mine.

Why all the Different Responses?

Because it’s not about the situation, the circumstance or the event, it’s about the person in it. It’s about what they believe is happening. What that experience represents to them - keeping in mind that things only have the meaning we give them. What will amuse one person (the rubber snake in the toilet perhaps) will terrify another because their reality is subjective; the same event isn’t the same at all. One will laugh, the other will cry. And not only will there be a different emotional and psychological response, but there will be a different physiological reaction also. Depending on what the event (in this case the snake) represents to the individual (their reality), their body will produce happy hormones or stress-response hormones. Yep, in some situations, how we see things actually determines what our endocrine system does; what kind of hormones it produces. Just thinking about something scary can produce metabolic, hormonal, cardio-vascular and respiratory changes in our body. Now that is freaky. Powerful thing the human mind. If only we knew how to drive it properly!!

That’s so Not Fair

Have you ever been through the experience of being wrongly judged or labelled by someone? Perhaps they thought you were aloof or arrogant, when in fact you were shy? Maybe someone considered you to be a complete snob because you didn’t acknowledge them, when in fact, you didn’t even see them. Perhaps someone assumed you were stupid, when you were actually nervous or intimidated. Maybe someone assessed you as flirtatious because you smiled (it happens). Or perhaps someone assumed weakness when you were simply being kind and accommodating? In my work I am constantly being assessed. I get emails every day from people giving me feedback about my performance; what I do, write and say and how they perceive me. While most of it is positive, it ain’t always. I have had feedback from different people in the same workshop on the same day ranging from “you’re a dickhead” to “that’s the best workshop I’ve ever attended.”

“We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are” Anais Nin

How does that happen? Because we all see, hear and experience different things - even in the same place at the same time. We create our own reality. We all interpret a different message. That’s why it’s possible for me to motivate one person and intimidate another at the same time with the same words!! Because it’s not about the message I’m intending to convey, it’s about what they believe I’m saying; how they are receiving it. Their reality. Their perception.

Assessing and Being Assessed

Like it or hate it, people see you (interpret your behaviour, your habits, your communication, your appearance) in a certain way. They will form an opinion of who you are, how you are and why you are. Without even knowing you. We all do it every day. From the moment you meet someone new, they are assessing you and you are assessing them. That’s how it works. That’s how we work. Everything you have experienced thus far in your life has taught you how the world works and how people are wired. And those lessons have given you an instinctive and unconscious ability to be able to assess situations and people quickly. Often with a high level of accuracy. But not always.

Perception Central

In the course of my work I do a lot of flying. Sure, my arms get tired. If only I had more feathers. Sorry, couldn’t help myself. Juvenile. Moron. Anyway… planes are kinda cool places because they are a microcosm of humanity. Being the geek and student of life that I am, I love to guess about my fellow sardines. Er, passengers. You’ll never find an environment where more assuming, judging, hypothesizing and labelling takes place than inside a plane. It’s like Perception Central. From the moment you hand over your boarding pass you’re being judged and you’re judging others. Our perception tells us that we should avoid eye contact with the big, scary-looking, tattooed bloke who’s making his way down the aisle (naturally, he’s going to kill us), and the same perception tells us that it’s not only okay to make eye contact with the cute four year-old boy, but that we should probably pat him on the head as he passes by. Until of course, he bites our index finger off with his cute four year-old teeth. Little treasure.

Are you a Policeman?

When I talk to people on planes they invariably ask me what I do for a living. Instead of answering them, I say “what do you think I do?” I have done this many (many) times and mostly the response I get is “you’re either a policeman or you’re in the military.” At least six or seven out of every ten people have a similar perception based entirely on my appearance; shaved head and beef-cake-ness. Clearly I don’t look or sound like a neuro-surgeon, an astronaut, a cabaret singer or a pastry chef. That’s it, I’m growing a pony-tail.

Beware the 1978 Volvo

Let’s say you’re in a hurry to get somewhere in your car and you’re approaching a set of traffic lights. There are two lanes for you to choose as you approach the intersection. In one lane there’s a 1978 beige Volvo Station Wagon, in the other there’s a new Red Porsche. Without thinking you pull in behind the Porsche because clearly the chances of you being delayed are significantly less behind a Porsche. You make that judgement in milliseconds because of your perception of (1) what kind of driver might be behind the wheel of each car (2) the likely acceleration of each car (3) how the respective drivers of those cars might typically pull away from a set of traffic lights and (4) we all know that red cars are fast!! The Porsche roars off, you experience minimal delay and your perception has served you well. But then again, the whole ‘choosing lanes thing’ might just be a boy thing. Or maybe a me thing.

So how do people perceive you?

Do we really want to know how others see us? Yes we do. And if you don’t, you should. For a range of reasons. On Monday I’m going to tell you why not knowing how others perceive you puts you at a disadvantage both professionally and personally. In life, in love and in business. And no, I’m definitely not saying that we should be obsessed with, or worried about how people see us. What I am saying is that most of us could do with a little more awareness and a little more understanding of how those around us see the world and everything in it. Including us.

Feel free to share a story of where you’ve judged or been judged. Or just say hi and share your thoughts.

Craig Harper is a motivational speaker, qualified exercise scientist, author, radio presenter, television personality and owner of one of the largest personal training centres in the world. Visit Craig’s website motivational speaker for more life lessons.

by Glenn Capelli

Glenn Capelli is the author of Thinking Caps book and radio pieces as well as being a top Keynote Speaker. www.glenncapelli.com. You can contact Glenn at glenn@glenncapelli.com

by Dr. Tom Buckley

Why will two similar people start with a specific goal and on average only one achieves it? Why can two athletes of equal ability who train together every day doing the same training sessions but in competition one consistently beats the other?

In my experience there are two types of people where it comes to goal achievement: those who are interested and then those who are committed. The interested athlete will train, maybe even consistently, but most probably do not pay attention to nutrition or sleep, and is always cramming in training. The committed athlete makes time for training, looks at very aspect of their training and performance, and pays particular attention to rest and recovery.

So what has this to do with life in general? Ask yourself, why does one worker get promoted above another? Is one more alert to the potential opportunity while the other frequently suffers from sleepless, junk fueled days thus missing opportunities? Is one consistent with their performance while the other just has great days or moments?

Going on a fab diet for three weeks is someone interested in loosing weight, adopting a long term lifestyle change that is sustainable is commitment. Being home for ten minutes before sleep time is being interested; being home for bath and bed time stories, no matter what, is commitment.

Being interested usually results in great excitement at first where as being committed is less exciting. Being interested is all about excuses, being committed involves no excuses.

If you’re reading this, chances are your interested, but ask yourself: “are you committed?” Recharging requires commitment.

Tom Buckley a University lecturer and researcher in the field or Health Sciences whose doctoral studies focused on physiological responses to stress. Author of several peer reviewed publications and supporting author of Flip the Switch, his current research interests are in human factors related to performance and wellbeing