By Adam Fraser

The top selling book in Australia at the moment is “The brain that changes itself”; which is all about how the brain can alter its structure. Up until a couple of years ago it was thought that the brain was set and we could not alter how it was configured. What we now know is that the brain is very plastic and is constantly remodeling itself.  The key to changing how your brain is wired is to change how you use it.

The brain is made up of a series of neural connections, which are simply a group of brains cells that work together. Every action, feeling and thought has a specific neural connection that makes that action, feeling and thought possible. As I sit here typing this article a series of neural connections fire to make my fingers select the right keys in the right order. When we feel anger and act inappropriately it is once again due to the triggering of a set number of brain cells acting as a team. Similarly, the way the brain stores information is that when we learn something new, say a word in French, a number of neurons are dedicated to that one piece of information and they are encoded with it. If you never revisit that word, over time those neurons split up and go off and fulfill other jobs. However if you regularly go over the word, that pattern will be re-enforced and the neural connection will be cemented down.

Think about when you were learning how to drive. If you started in a manual car chances are you would have been terrible – bunny hopping and crunching gears. The reason is that there was no neural pattern in your brain for driving; your brain simply wasn’t set up for it. You would also notice that it took a lot of effort and concentration to drive. Now, reflect on the last time you drove home? Did you think about it? No, you just drove home. Why? Because the neural pattern of driving is so engrained you don’t even have to think about it.

Strong neural patterns are like freeways in your brain, solid, deep, wide and easy to travel on. Weak neural patterns are like dirt roads narrow, shaky and difficult to travel down. It is simply easier for our brain to use the freeways and because of this they tend to direct the traffic down that route.

We are all born with certain talents and skills as well as a thinking style and an emotional bias. Some people are good at sports; some people are great at music; others are optimistic; some handle stress easily, while others fly off the handle when the slightest thing goes wrong. Think of these natural tendencies as freeways. Unfortunately humans tend to focus on the things they are good at and shy away from things that they struggle with. If we take music lessons and we don’t pick it up easily we will quit after a short period of time. All this does is reinforce our natural abilities or put another way, the freeways in our brain get all the traffic. The good news is that we can develop the dirt roads, it just takes time and effort.

Back to the driving analogy, driving starts out as a dirt road but with consistent practice and time it turns into a freeway. Neural plasticity does not only apply to motor skills. Studies have shown that pessimists (people who have a lot of freeways for negative thoughts) can alter their brain so that it begins to have a tendency for optimism. How did they do this? Normally when an event occurred they naturally thought a pessimist thought, however this time they recognised that thought, challenged it and then chose to think of it in an optimistic light. In other words they put a detour sign on their freeway and directed the traffic down the dirt road. After enough time of doing this, the dirt road starts to get wider, smoother and easier to drive on. In the meantime the freeways starts to get cracks in it and it loses its structure.

Martin Seligman took children who had a natural style of pessimism. Each evening he got their parents to ask the children 3 questions:

* What did you do really well today?

* What did you really enjoy today?

* What are you looking forward to tomorrow?

Over a period to time they found that the children started to have a bias for optimism. They simply changed their dirt roads into freeways.

How do we do this?

* Choose a behaviour, belief or thinking style that you want to change.

* Start to recognize when you do this behaviour, belief or thinking style.

* Challenge it and introduce a new behaviour, belief or thinking style.

* Reinforce this pattern, over and over.

The difficulty with this is that it takes effort, but when was the last time that something worthwhile was easy?

Case study

Gordon Cairns was the CEO of Lion Nathan. In 1997 the company was losing market share and the share price was dropping.

The HR department did a 360-degree feedback (where people at different levels give feedback on your behaviour) on the leadership team.

The results of the feedback showed that Cairns had a very aggressive/defensive style, he wielded power, was a perfectionist, demanding, task orientated and did not see value in staff development or culture. This attitude seeped down into his leadership team who mimicked his behaviour.

The HR manager Bob Barbour called them on their behaviour and said, “Your behaviour needs to change.” Can you imagine what he would have faced? However he stood his ground and this was obviously very confronting for the leadership team. Over time they realised that in order for the organization to change, they had to change. They took personal responsibility and accountability for their behaviour. With coaching, they started to instill a new culture around a style of education and encouragement. The result was a shift in their constructive styles, an increase of 53%. Cairns went from a tyrant to an empathetic and thoughtful leader.

When asked how he made this leap, Gordon Cairns gave the following advice.

Step 1: Get feedback on your behaviour

Step 2: Park your ego and take that feedback on board without being offended

Step 3: Have a clear idea of what behaviours you want.

Step 4: Get help – coaches, consultants, books etc.

Step 5: Keep measuring

Step 6: Understand that relapse is normal.
A great example of neural plasticity!

By Dr. Adam Fraser

Latest psychological research tells us that our emotions drive and guide our behaviour, develop or ruin relationships, guide attention and help us store memories. Put simply our emotions control our performance and quality of life. They even have a dramatic impact on our health as negative emotions lead to the release of toxic chemicals that damage our body. Intensive care units have shown that patients who are comforted by others have lower levels of stress hormones, lower blood pressure and even have lower secretion of artery clogging fatty acids.

Obviously emotions have a big impact on you, but do your emotions affect your environment?

The reality is that emotions are carried through your organisation like electricity through a cable.

Put another way your emotions are contagious. The question is are your emotions worth catching?

A closed loop system is one that regulates its self and is not influenced by the outside world. Your emotions/mood is an open loop system meaning that the environment affects them. This open loop system allows a mother to consol her distraught child, or a manager to rev up their sales team.

This means that our mood affects the mood of our team. In 2000 Caroline Bartel at New York University and Richard Saavedra at the University of Michigan found that people in meetings adopted the same mood (good and bad) within 2 hours. They also found that teams of nurses and accountants tracked the same emotions over the week, even thought they varied in terms of external stress and challenges.

Depending on what sort of emotions you bring to work you could be quite literally killing your co-workers. Pause for a moment and consider how do you affect the mood of your team? We so often only focus on the role of the leader, however we all affect the mood of our team.

Having said that the greatest influence on a team is the mood of the leader. It is so potent that many leaders should consider their primary task as the emotional leadership of their team. This is not to say that leaders cant have bad days, however research tells us that teams perform best and solid culture is built when the leader regularly has an optimistic, authentic and high energy mood.

Can we change our mood? In a word YES!. A person’s emotional state and attitude are not genetically hard wired, they can be changed. However we all have a bias towards a certain style and emotional set point.

The more we act in a certain way be it happy, cranky or sad, the more we reinforce that pattern in our brain and the more we act that way.

This is where emotional intelligence matters. An emotionally intelligent person can be self aware of their mood/emotions, change them for the better through self management, understand their impact through empathy and act so that they improve the emotional state of those around them.

Steps to improve you emotional state:

1.    Picture it up!

What emotional state do you want to be in? Picture how you want to act, be perceived, what is the mood of your team like. Get a clear understanding of how you want things to be.

2.    Take Stock!

Find out your starting point. Many leaders do not know how they affect their team and environment. I have spoken to many leaders to have them inform me of the great “vibe” in their team and how their team loves their leadership style. Only to be informed by the team that they see them as a “tyrant” and unapproachable. Park the ego and ask your team for feedback. The best way to do this in anonymously, you might also consider getting formal 360-degree feedback. In addition make it ok for your team to give you feedback on your emotional leadership.  Relax we are not as perfect as we think we are.

3.    Bridging the Gap!

How do you start to develop your leadership? First step is to up-skill yourself. Here are some things I have seen other leaders do in the past.

a.    Simply start to research and educate yourself on this area through books and courses.

b.    Take time to reflect, some of the best leaders I have worked with spend 30 mins a day reflecting on their emotional leadership. They analyse different situations during that day and examine how they reacted and how they could have responded in a better way.

c.    Some look outside of work, they develop empathy and emotional regulation by coaching their children’s soccer team or devoting time to a local charity.

4.    Practice Makes Perfect!

Choose one emotion to work on. For example you may choose to practice more patience with your co-workers, more empathy, greater optimism or simply look at removing anger and judgement from your leadership style. The way we change our behaviour, is to do and redo the new behaviour, over and over again. This breaks old neural patterns. An added bonus is that we can fast track this with visualisation. Imagining something in vivid detail fires the same brain cells and neural pathways that are actually involved in the real life task. Before a meeting or on the way to work start to run through your head and picture how you want to lead and manage your team.

5.    Get some Help!

Find a coach or a colleague who you can debrief you activity with. I have encouraged many leaders in large corporates to form coaching groups where they discuss their challenges and how they handled them. The feedback has been that they are exceptionally beneficial.

“Dr Adam Fraser is one of Australia’s leading educators, researchers and thought leaders in the area of human performance! In this time he has worked with elite level athletes, the armed forces and business professionals of all levels. Check out his websites www.dradamfraser.com & www.theglucoseclub.com.au.”

by Kate James

‘The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.’ George Bernard Shaw

One of the things I’ve noticed about people who maintain a youthful outlook on life is that they avoid making rigid rules for themselves. Instead of narrowing their world by saying no to new experiences and ideas, they keep their lives and their minds open. In turn, they stay young.

I found it interesting to occasionally watch the ‘Grumpy Old Men’ or ‘Grumpy Old Women’ programs that were aired on television this year. Not because I found them riveting viewing but because (as much as I hate to admit it) I could see myself in some of the comments. I too have found it irritating sitting on the train listening to someone else’s second hand iPod music; I find it difficult to concentrate in many of the shops my daughters visit because the music is so loud and (now I’m really going to sound old) I can’t get my head around the low slung pants young guys wear…so low that you see more of their underwear than their jeans. What’s that about?

And then I notice what I’m doing. I’m making judgements based around a set of rules I’ve created in my own mind about what is right and what is wrong. And I’m doing the very thing I couldn’t stand when I was a teenager - behaving like an old person!

Whilst you could argue that the iPod traveller needs to be more considerate of other people’s comfort the reality is that is just one perspective. You could also have the opinion that people like me need to get used to more noise because that’s the way the world is now.

Life is so much richer when we let go of our judgements. When we lighten up and go with the flow and learn to accept that things change and a better way of dealing with change is to resist it less.

Tolerance and open mindedness are two of the most important principles in a world where global barriers are lessening every day. It’s equally important is to consider how we can apply this open minded thinking to ourselves and to the people closest to us. Stop and think about the limitations you set with the rules or the judgements you have created. Some of them you won’t even be aware of until you see yourself reflected in the comments of a grumpy old man or woman.

Next time you start to think ‘People should or shouldn’t do/be/wear/think… (fill in the blank)’ ask yourself ‘why or why not?’.

If you automatically think that you can’t or shouldn’t do or be a certain way, challenge yourself - why not? What’s the worst thing that can happen?

Benjamin Franklin said ‘The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.’

Do something different. Think something different. Be someone different.

ON A PERSONAL NOTE

I noticed over the Christmas break that I was laughing much more readily. It struck me that I hadn’t laughed much at all in the previous busy months. I had achieved all of my business goals (and more) but I’d lost something much more essential to my happiness - the ability to relax and be light hearted about life.

Chris and I spent three days with my sister Anna and her husband, Neil at their beach house after Christmas. Anna is younger than me and much less inclined to take herself seriously. She is so much fun to be around. She’s not crazy about the beach but she was happy to come swimming with me because I love it (in the end decided that maybe she could like it too); she doesn’t really enjoy champagne but drank it with me because I do and she is always, always willing to bend (or break) the rules.

We spent New Year’s Eve with Anna and Neil. It was a balmy night, all of our children were away with friends so it was just the four of us for dinner in their beautiful stone room. We danced on the front lawn under the stars and at the end of the night, in her hospitable ‘rule breaking’ way, Anna set us all up with pillows and blankets so we could sleep in the cool under the open sky. What a refreshing, open minded start to the year!

More about the beach house and New Year’s on the blog http://calmcreative.blogspot.com/

‘Kate James is a work life balance coach, writer and speaker. She works with professional people who want to enhance their quality of life by making the right career and life choices. You can find Kate at www.totalbalance.com.au.’

by Kate James

‘Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.’ Spencer Johnson

I have an inherent believe that most people are good…and that most people are honest. But some people choose to hide that honesty, keeping their true feelings close rather than speaking out openly.

The quote above suggests that living life by the principles of integrity and honesty is simple. But it’s complex and the real complexity lies in the shades of grey that colour the area between truth and dishonesty. This is further complicated by the fact that sometimes we don’t open up and say things as they really are because we don’t have that clarity ourselves.

Most of us set out to live honest lives. And on the surface, we do. We hand in a wallet we find on the street, we pay our taxes, we do the right thing by our employers and for the most part, we tell the truth to friends and family.

The ambiguity lies in the subtleties of life. In a small conversation with a friend, you find yourself agreeing with something when really you don’t. In a discussion with your partner you skirt around the real issue. With your children, your parents, your boss, you say yes when you really want to say no. Sometimes you’re not even aware of your true feelings at the time. For those of us who seem ‘hard wired’ to please others, there’s a natural tendency to simply go along.

These subtle untruths eventually have an impact…fine layer upon fine layer, gradually building a tangible film between the ‘authentic you’ and the ‘public you’. Sometimes the layers build for years before you become aware that you feel that your true self has been watered down and as a result, you find that your energy levels are depleted.

Mostly, we avoid the truth because we want to make other people happy. For many of us it’s habitual. We say what we think others want to hear but in doing so, we create a barrier that keeps us from really connecting.

Once you become aware that you’re not speaking openly, there’s that sense of having ‘an elephant in the room’. Something that isn’t spoken about that impedes an open and honest connection. A barrier that stands in the way of the lightness that comes with open, authentic conversation.

Whilst initiating and engaging in a heartfelt conversation can be daunting and sometimes difficult, the energy in a relationship (and in you) is miraculously restored when you lift the barriers to honest communication.

This is not to say that every single communication you ever have in your life must be completely open at all times. There’s a balance to be found and the simplest measure is to ask yourself whether withholding or sharing something will ultimately enrich the relationship.

Even if the short term impact is negative, creating openness and honesty is one of the best ways to breathe life into your relationships.

Tackling a tough conversation:

• Take some time to prepare - really think about what you need to say.
• Remove any accusations from the conversation. Getting your point across is easier if you can avoid making the other person wrong.
• Deal with just one issue at a time.
• Choose a time and place that is most conducive to a good conversation. Some people find it less confronting to talk openly when walking side by side rather than sitting face to face.
• Know when to let it go. If the conversation becomes heated and you or the other person feels overly emotional, agree to return to the discussion at a later date

Kate James is a work life balance coach, writer and speaker. She works with professional people who want to enhance their quality of life by making the right career and life choices. You can find Kate at www.totalbalance.com.au.

by Fiona Cosgrove

I recently read an article from the US about how people could “ride the wave” of potential financial disaster by returning to the “fundamentals” and concentrating on the really important stuff of life.. That got me thinking about what whether in Australia we should be thinking along the same lines and what those fundamentals might be.

Four come to mind.

1. Relationships

In today’s frantic world we believe we are in touch with everyone on a constant basis. Our electronic devices keep us on line and “connected” with colleagues, family and sometimes friends. But is a short sms the same as a meaningful conversation? And have you ever responded to an email and forgotten what you said, or whether in fact you wrote it? Somehow the illusion of connection to people makes us think we have our relationships intact, yet in fact these are often neglected.

Studies have shown that rich, satisfying relationships are the biggest predictor of happiness over anything else (including wealth and satisfying work). In times of hardship, invest time in the people who you care about.

• Attention deficit

When we divide our concentration and deny anyone our full attention, the relationship suffers. When we don’t listen properly or respond and show interest in what is being said, the person we are with feels unheard and unacknowledged. So next time you are talking someone, turn off your phone, your blackberry or computer and give them your full attention. A great tip is to ask a question, then follow it up with a question that arises from their answer. By focusing on other people, we can put aside our worries for the time being and gain the support we need. When we show interest in others, they return that interest in us.

• Chose your company

In times of stress it is important to surround ourselves with positive energy. Work out who makes us feel good and whose company we enjoy the most. You will find that often it is the people who listen and show interest in our lives. Give the same back to them. Some people have a way of “being with you” that does not necessitate a lot of conversation. In the same vein avoid the people who drain you.

2. Focus on what makes life good

• Don’t be scared of emotion

When we are under stress, we tend to block out our feelings and try and stay calm and cool. But refusing to acknowledge the way we feel can create a new set of problems. Negative emotions (such as fear, anger, resentment and loss) have to be recognized and worked through as they are a signal that something is wrong. Finding the cause of such feelings can give us direction to move either towards or away from a situation or to change it if we can. Positive emotions need to be enjoyed and savoured. Joy, excitement, contentment, and love are really what we ultimately strive for. It has been said that man needs a purpose to give his life meaning but without moments of pleasure along the way it is difficult to stay committed to the journey. Emotions lead to motion which leads to motivation. Emotions are the fuel that drives us. Without feelings, we will not prosper. Think about what is most important – material wealth or emotional prosperity? Avoiding strong emotions is not healthy.

3. What gets you out of bed in the morning

• Find your purpose

What do you enjoy doing? What gets you out of bed in the morning? Is it the thought of making more money or the fear of losing it? I doubt that it’s either. Money can be a by-product of working at something we enjoy. There are times when we have to do things we don’t enjoy and during those times it is essential to find outlets in activities that we gain pleasure and meaning from. There are also times when we have to sacrifice the good things in favour of temporary hardship which will lead to greater reward in the future. We will only do this if we have a purpose to work towards. If we make accumulating wealth our sole purpose in life we will have an empty existence. We need a goal that is meaningful but the process of achieving that goal has to be as important as the outcome. If our goals are too distant, we will lose our will to keep going.

• Meaning in each day

We need more than a long term purpose in life, we need a purpose in our lives each day. Work out what activities give you satisfaction, and are in some way connected to your values. Is it spending time with your kids? Walking your dog? Exercising? Doing something good for a neighbour? Gardening, sailing or playing golf? Reading? We all find meaning in different ways. Try and include some activity each day that gives you a sense of fulfillment.

4. Stay in touch with your physical health

• Let your body support you

Everything can be going right in our lives but if we don’t heave good health, we will be unable to enjoy each day. In today’s busy world, many people fall prey to letting their physical health deteriorate as they focus on their mental health or achieving their professional goals. What we forget is that exercise, good nutrition, adequate rest, hydration and relaxation are primarily connected to our overall state of wellbeing. Take stock of where your body is at. Are you carrying extra weight? Is your cardiovascular system getting a work out? Are you providing your body with the right fuel and rest? I believe that good physical health is about as fundamental as you can get. Without it, nothing else will be fully achieved. If reading this section makes you feel uncomfortable do yourself a big favour and get a thorough medical check up then take steps to change your lifestyle to give your body the best chance of keeping up with the demands of a complex and sometimes challenging life.

In troubled times, stepping back and reflecting on what is fundamental to our happiness is a worthwhile activity.

Fiona Cosgrove has over 20 years experience in the wellness & fitness industry - owning and managing clubs in Australia and Asia, including No 1 Martin Place, NSW Fitness Centre of the Year, 2006. Fiona is the author of Coach Yourself to Wellness and she regularly runs corporate seminars and workshops in the areas of healthy lifestyle, motivation and wellness.

by Craig Harper

Hmm, where to start with this topic…

Well, I guess this chat might not technically fall into the personal development category. It definitely wouldn’t come under the health/fitness banner. And it’s not really a motivational piece either. Although it might motivate some to change a thing or two in their world. Could be seen as a social commentary piece. Or perhaps an exploration into relationships and communication. Or maybe a mindless rant from a single bloke with way too many issues, who’s trying to rationalise his bachelor existence. You decide.

Anyway (said in the voice of Ross from Friends)….

One of the many interesting things about being a life-long, single male in his early forties is people’s reactions to that single-ness (yep, a word). Everyone has an opinion on it. Depending on the person’s thinking, it can place me anywhere on the scale from ‘complete social outcast’, to ‘coolest bloke on earth’ and ‘luckiest man alive’. And elicit responses ranging from pity and ridicule, to envy and admiration. Or in the case of my mother, complete devastation. My darling mum (mom) sees me essentially as a means to a grandchild and to be honest, I have been a bitter disappointment. Sure, she wants me happily married, but what she really wants… is that kid!! And yes, she lets me know it.

I love the mentality that says “single at that age, must be something wrong with him!”
Yep, had plenty of that.
“He’s how old?.. and no woman, must have a lot of issues.”
“Poor thing.”
Interesting psychology that. Yet, very common.

It’s like they have a picture in their mind of me sitting at home every night in my underwear, in a room lit by candles, eating meatloaf flavoured ice-cream from a paper plate, with my pet rat Eugene on my shoulder, my feet in one of those foot spas, a little ‘Enya’ playing in the background and some strategically placed cushions with images of my ex-girlfriends embroidered on them, lying around the room.
That’s okay right?
If I had said tuna flavoured ice-cream, now that woulda been weird.
Waddya mean the cushion thing is creepy?
Oh well.

We all know that married people have no issues and that if, per chance, they do enter into their matrimonial journey with a few problems, the marriage ceremony will alleviate those instantly and forever. Great how that works isn’t it?

What people think about me being single doesn’t bother me at all, but it does interest me. For some bizarre reason, my single-ness is fascinating to some. I personally don’t think it’s interesting at all, but you would be shocked by the number of people who want to interrogate me regarding my ‘lack of wife’ status, in an attempt to discover what’s wrong with me. “There’s gotta be something, it’s not normal” someone told me not too long ago. I wonder if I wasn’t single, whether people would say “so Craig, why are you married?”

Apparently, as a Personal Development speaker and writer I should be married. It’s a rule. People have suggested that my career would benefit from my extrication from the world of single-dom. Doesn’t matter if I’m happily married or not, as long as I’m married.

A woman said to me recently, “I thought someone as evolved as you, would have found your soul-mate long ago.” I actually laughed out loud at her. “Clearly, I have a way to go”, was my response. Her friend (in the same conversation) suggested that I was probably gay but didn’t know it, or want to admit it. “Oh, I’m pretty sure I’m not”, I shared. “You think you’re sure”, she said. “All the pretty girls you meet, and not one wife?” I didn’t realise ‘pretty’ was the determinant for a life partner. Missed that memo. Okay, note to self: if she’s hot, marry her. There’s my big mistake; stupidly, I’ve been looking beyond appearance. Idiot.

Apparently, my single-ness is some kind of indicator of dysfunction. That’s it, I’m gettin’ married this week. That’ll fix me. Weirdo that I am.

I would never have thought to write an article on this topic, but some people seem to be fascinated by the whole single verses married discussion and in my little world, the conversation seems regularly to be directed back towards me. Of course there is no wrong or right, only opinions, so that’s what I’m sharing. People often want to hear my thoughts on marriage because I’m single. Don’t know why.
“Do you have marriage issues”, I got asked last week. No, I love the idea of marriage and maybe I will be happily married one day, but if I don’t get married, that’s cool too. What I do have a problem with is, marrying someone who I’m not desperately, hopelessly in love with; marriage for the sake of not being single - seen it a million times.

For some people it’s like…
“Yep, he (she) ticks all the right boxes, definitely a candidate. Let’s see, money - check, good family - check, career - check, looks - check… marriage it is”
“Er, yeh but I don’t really love him.”
“Stop being unrealistic, your thirty four, your biological clock is racing, you won’t do any better.”

Over the years I have had many people say to me, “Hmm, you’d be a good catch… you need to meet my sister/daughter/cousin/girlfriend!” And their reason for saying that I’m a ‘catch’ is not because of my values, personality, integrity or all-round good-bloke-ness (a word), it’s because they see me as being moderately successful and financially secure. A safe bet.
I find that sad.
“Yes, he ticks enough boxes, put him on the list Sally.”

To me, some people seem to be more in love with the ‘idea’ of marriage than the actual person they’re marrying or are married to. I see this as a catastrophe in waiting. It’s also apparent that some people are so petrified of being single, that finding their ’soul mate’ gets compromised down to “is he or she breathing? Wouldn’t have been my first (or tenth) choice but hey, I have limited options, so giddyup cowboy(girl), get me that ring.”

I have had literally thousands of conversations over the last three hundred years (you know I’m immortal right?) with people who are miserable in their marriage, yet amazingly, do nothing to fix it, or change the situation. For many people, marriage is something to be endured, tolerated even and of course for others, it’s the best thing that will ever happen to them.

Okay, here are some random thoughts on the matter. Feel free to correct me or teach me a lesson - I am just a single bloke…

1. I am not against marriage in any way. Most of my friends are married and I know it can be an incredible part of the human experience. Given the opportunity with the right person, I would love to share my life with someone but, I’d rather be single forever, than married for the sake of it. And yep, I’ve been close a few times.

2. I don’t believe that people need to be married to be fulfilled, functional, balanced or happy; those things are not dependant on marital status. You don’t need to be a researcher to discover that marriage doesn’t (automatically) equal happiness, just open your eyes. People seem to struggle with the thought of me being single and happy. They think I’m lying. It bothers them.
“You’re not really happy, you only think you are… you’re just trying to convince yourself.”
“Er, okay. I didn’t realise how miserable I am - thanks”.

3. Some people are so terrified of being alone that they will compromise themselves to the point of actually losing their identity. “I’ll be whatever you want me to be..” You’ve seen it. Maybe you’ve been it. Misery and frustration is always the result. It’s important (for many reasons) that we learn to be comfortable and secure on our own before we launch into a life partnership.

4. A person who really gets to know themself and is truly comfortable with their own company, will be more attractive to a potential partner.

5. Too many people enter into marriage wearing those rose coloured glasses, only to have them ripped off by about day three. They spend a year planning how to have a great wedding and zero time planning how to have a great marriage.

6. People who have that sense of urgency to get married are less likely to find marital bliss and less likely to appeal to a potential partner. Note to all wanna-be brides and grooms: Desperation - not attractive.

7. While I’m open to the idea of marriage, and I would love a little Craig or Craigette one day, I love my life right now and I gotta say, singledom… not as horrible as some would have you believe!!!

Okay, now that I’ve opened that can of worms, I’ll let you play with them.
I’m off to finish my meatloaf ice-cream and revel in my dysfunction.
Hey, where’s Eugene gone?

Leave your numerous comments below. You know the drill.

Craig Harper is a motivational speaker, qualified exercise scientist, author, radio presenter, television personality and owner of one of the largest personal training centres in the world. Visit Craig’s website motivational speaker for more life lessons.

by Kate James

‘We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.’ Sam Keen

Given how much we change over the course of our adult lives, it seems only natural that we will occasionally experience difficult times within our long term relationships. Whether they be with friends, partner or family, charting a completely smooth course throughout the years isn’t always easy. I would actually go so far as to say that a long term relationship without the occasional glitch along the way is potentially not a completely open one.

I’m not suggesting that we need to seek out conflict or difficulty in order to enjoy a satisfying friendship or partnership but we do need to acknowledge that people have their differences and over the passage of time, we change. We need to be willing to address the issues that arise to allow our relationship to continue to grow. Sometimes working through such issues results in a degree of conflict.

In some relationships, conflict is viewed as completely unacceptable. Keeping the peace and maintaining harmony at all costs is a greater goal than speaking openly and honesty. In others, conflict is dealt with in an angry or hostile manner that evokes fear and insecurity. In a healthy relationship, differences of opinion are acknowledged and talked through - even when those conversations are difficult.

Sometimes our differences of opinion need to be accepted as an integral part of the fabric we weave with the people we love. It is these very differences that bring richness and colour to our lives as we allow ourselves to be open to new ways of seeing things.

If you’ve ever worked through a challenging patch and resolved or agreed to accept a difference in opinion, you know the experience of greater depth in your connection. There is nothing quite as validating as the sense that the person you love knows you deeply.

Too often we walk away from long term partners when the going gets tough. The culture we live in is partly to blame. Society often sends us the message that if it’s not perfect, it’s not good enough. Much of what we’ve learnt to expect from relationships has come from formulaic film scripts designed to make us feel good but that don’t offer a ‘real’ picture of love.

Real love is complex - it doesn’t necessarily feel great every day but the true measure is whether your life is richer with that person in it.

Creating a lasting relationship:

• Remember three things that attracted you to your partner (or friend) in the early days of your relationship and acknowledge that person for one of those things every day for a week

• Accept (and admit) your own imperfections and say sorry if you need to

• Avoid constantly criticising your partner - make sure your positive interactions significantly outweigh your negative interactions

• Make a commitment to spend time together doing something you both enjoy

• Keep your sense of humour

Kate James is a work life balance coach, writer and speaker. She works with professional people who want to enhance their quality of life by making the right career and life choices. You can find Kate at   www.totalbalance.com.au.

by Andrew May

Our modern way of living teaches us that faster is better. Speed is the new king with our lives measured in bits and bytes, and dissected into micro-detail. Is it any wonder our health, performance and relationships begin to suffer?

We are not designed to go flat out around the clock. Life is meant to be a series of sprints interspersed with periods of rest and recovery. Our culture has conditioned us to think that slow is the enemy of achievement, yet as the Slow Movement is showing us, nothing could be further from the truth.

The Slow Movement

The Slow Movement is about slowing down and taking time to enjoy the things that give us pleasure. It’s about reconnecting with food, people and places, but it’s not anti-work or even anti-capitalist. In fact as Carl Honoré says in his book, In Praise of Slow, “The secret is balance. Instead of doing everything faster, do everything at the right speed. Sometimes fast. Sometimes slow. Sometimes somewhere in between”.

Founded by Carlo Petrini, the movement started in the late 80’s as a foodie fight back against the opening of a McDonald’s restaurant on Rome’s Spanish Steps. Slow Food gave birth to Slow Cities, or Cittaslow in Italian. Adhering to the Cittaslow Manifesto, these towns of 50,000 or less embody a way of life that supports slow living; where traditions and conventional ways of doing things are valued.

In Australia, the town of Goolwa was recently named our first Cittaslow, while Bloodwood Vineyard in Orange is now making slow wines. Annually, Canberra also hosts the Slow Festival in celebration of all things, well, slow.

Lessons in slow from Kenya

When I was a middle distance runner in the 90’s, every year we’d get the opportunity to train with Kenyan athletes who would come out to Australia. Each year a different group of athletes would come, and amazingly each year a new champion would emerge from their ranks: the talent pool seemed endless. What did they know that we didn’t?

There’s a phrase in Swahili that sums it up, ‘hapa hapa’. It means slowly, slowly, and that’s exactly the way these high speed Kenyans took things. They listened to their bodies, training when they felt good and taking time off when they needed rest, often for weeks at a time. Looking back on my running career, I really believe I would have run much faster if I’d taken more notice of the Kenyans and trained hard and recovered even harder!

Eight go slow tips

Here are some great ways to apply the slow philosophy:

1. Slow stretching
Try doing a gentle 5 to 10 minute stretching routine before going to bed. Slow your breathing and your heart rate.

2. Slow walking
Emulate my dog, Cougar. Stop and sniff absolutely everything!

3. Slow weekends
Don’t race around trying to see and please everyone. Try shifting back a few gears and getting rid of the weekend to-do list.

4. Slow mini-breaks
Get away for a three day mini-break, but avoid scheduling every waking hour with sightseeing.

5. Slow food
Copy the Italians with a three to five course meal that takes a few hours to get through, washed down with a couple of glasses of hearty vino.

6. Slow gardening
Just stop and smell the roses! Potter in the garden and take stock of the beautiful smells and plants.

7. Slow sex
Tantric sex is not just for hippies and rock stars like Sting. This 5,000 year old discipline advocates slow sex as a way to increase awareness.

8. Slow thinking
Stretch out on the grass and stare up at the clouds. It’s amazing how often the biggest breakthroughs come when you turn off the conscious chatter.

Like to know more?

For more on Slow Movement practise, try Carl Honore’s book, In Praise of Slow – How a worldwide movement is challenging the cult of speed, or my latest book, Flip the Switch – Why performance increases when you play hard and recover even harder.

Andrew May is is considered Australia’s leading expert on performance and productivity and is the author of the bestselling book, Flip the Switch. Andrew speaks at conferences across the globe, mentors CEO’s and senior managers. He is published throughout national and international media, with regular segments on 2UE radio, Mix 106.5 Body and Soul and Channel Nine’s TODAY show.

By Craig Harper

Poor Delusional Me

Being a single bloke in his forties draws all kinds of comments, suggestions, inferences and questions from a broad cross-section of people, with responses ranging from pity to surprise, through to outright jealousy. Apparently the most interesting thing about me (for some people) is my wife-less-ness (a Craigism). Clearly there’s something weird, dark and dysfunctional about me that needs to be explored and explained.

Or… I could just be a happy, single bloke.

Naaah.

Pity

Women periodically feel sorry for me (while simultaneously trying to hook me up with their sister, cousin, neighbour or girlfriend), while blokes have been known to ask if I’d be interested in trading lives with them. According to some people, I must be miserable, lonely, unfulfilled and emotionally inept. Apparently I just think I’m happy; I’m just telling myself that to make ‘me’ feel better about being tragically single. And lonely. Poor delusional Craig.

Gotta say, my delusion is quite the place. You should visit.

The Happiness Fraud

After all, we live in our head and we create our own reality don’t we? So if I think I’m happy and I feel happy then that would make me… happy. Wouldn’t it? Nope, apparently I’m in denial. Consciously happy but subconsciously miserable. All this time and I didn’t realise. So ignorant of me. I’ve been a happiness fraud without knowing it. I best start working on my frown. And my country music CD collection. If only I could find an unhappy married person to challenge the marriage-happiness correlation theory. As if I’m gonna find one of them.

Oh well.

Husband anyone?

A Rubik’s Cube with Hair

Last time I spoke about being single on this site I was inundated with feedback on the matter. I personally seem to go through cycles where my wife-less-ness is of greater or lesser interest to other people. For me, it’s a non-issue but it seems that some people are always trying to figure me out. Apparently I’m some kind of complex human puzzle that needs to be solved. Or cured perhaps. Someone raises the subject with me at least once a week. Never smoked, never consumed alcohol, never been married = weird. At least once a week I hear something like “it’s strange that someone in your position (my position?) isn’t married.” Okay, it’s official; I’m strange. If not me, my situation.

Ticking the Boxes

But this article is not about my marital status, it’s about pressure, standards, expectations and the unwritten rules. You know the rules. Living in Western Society there are certain boxes which (allegedly) need to be ticked if we’re going to fit in and be seen as normal. The irony of normal being that while it’s apparently desirable, it’s not necessarily where happiness lives. In reality, some people’s (version of) normal is actually what provides them with the most pain, frustration and grief. We think we want normal but perhaps what we really want is exceptional. Abnormal even. After all, take a look at society’s normal and it ain’t really that attractive. In fact, we could say that it looks kinda broke, a little chubby, somewhat unhealthy, not particularly happy and decidedly unfulfilled (miserable) with it’s career.

2.3 Kids

Of course there are the accepted (expected maybe) social standards and behaviours; kind of like a life TO DO list. It’s not always spoken of… but it exists. All the stuff us normal folk are meant to do over the course of our normal lives. Marriage (at least once), kids (2.3 of them), annual holidays (2-4 weeks, somewhere warm), buy a house (pay it off over two hundred years - can’t go wrong with real estate), a sensible job (large firm, good conditions, something secure, potential for progression), weekly attendance at a house of worship (keeping in mind the eternal consequences of non-attendance)… you get the point. Of course there’s nothing wrong (at all) with aspiring to marriage, a good career, financial success, a couple of rug rats or a respected place in the congregation or the after-life, but the problem lies in our (society’s) consensual thinking that ticking these boxes automatically provides an individual with a better (more balanced, more fulfilled, more worthwhile, happier) life than the person who ticks zero (of those) boxes.

The Enormity of Conformity

On some level we all want to fit in, but it seems that in trying to blend in with the landscape of humanity we often lose our purpose, our individuality and our sense of self. We lose, or maybe never discover, the real us. The us we could be. Should be. Rather than exploring our potential, our talent, our curiosities and our passion, we become what’s expected of us. We tick boxes. We keep parents happy. Bosses happy. We say the right things. Do the right things. We conform. We become another clone. And living in a world which so often punishes individuality, conformity is understandable. Sad, but understandable.

Rules Schmules

I often think about the impact that the great unspoken TO DO list has on our lives. The rules, the expectations, the pressure, the confusion, the embarrassment and even the shame of not conforming, not ticking all the boxes and not living up to society’s standards or the expectations of others in our world. Some of us have spent far too much time, ticking way too many boxes. Perhaps it’s time to stop.

Craig Harper is a motivational speaker, qualified exercise scientist, author, radio presenter, television personality and owner of one of the largest personal training centres in the world. Visit Craig’s website motivational speaker for more life lessons.

By Kate James

‘If a man does not make new acquaintances as he advances through life, he will soon find himself alone.’ Samuel Johnson

It’s funny how some days you think you have all the friends in the world and then others, you wake up and wonder who you can catch up with for a drink or dinner or a walk.

During school and university, it’s generally pretty easy to make friends. You’re surrounded by people of similar ages and your lives have enough common ground for you to be able to relate to one another. For most people, those friendships last comfortably into their twenties or even thirties but after that, things often start to change.

As people pair up, travel overseas or start their own families, friends become dispersed - if not by distance then by the differences in life circumstances. Many of the clients I see in their early thirties (both men and women) have found themselves somewhat bereft of a fulfilling social network. Particularly those who are single.

One of the difficulties lies in knowing where to connect with people your own age…and the next is finding the motivation to get out there and do something about it. Admitting to loneliness is taboo in our society, but the truth is, we all experience it at some time in our lives and its effects are deeply felt.

At a recent meditation retreat, I discovered something truly valuable. In a peaceful, unhurried setting, where there was time to really get to know people, everyone was interesting. Spending a weekend together (albeit, with a shared interest) helped. But the thing that had the most profound effect on me personally was the attitude of a fellow guest at the beginning of the weekend. When asked by Paul Wilson (the retreat leader) what brought us here, this participant said ‘I’ve been to many retreats before and what I enjoy most is that every person I’ve met is interesting’.

Ian’s words made me realise how much we limit ourselves in creating room for new friends in our lives. We judge others too quickly; we anticipate that everyone else has enough friends and therefore wouldn’t be open to an approach from us; we imagine we’re not good enough or we simply allow ourselves to accept that the way things are is all that will ever be.

If you have room in your life for a new friend, don’t sit back and wait for it to happen.

* join a group that interests you - Adult Education have a whole range of different options http://www.cae.edu.au/
* Volunteer somewhere - Good Company is great if you can’t commit to ongoing volunteer work http://www.goodcompany.com.au/
* Rekindle an old friendship. Don’t let it bother you that its been years since you’ve been in touch with someone…make the call today
* Be bold - ask an acquaintance you have something in common with out for coffee
* Get to know the parents of your children’s friends better by inviting them for dinner
* Make friends with an elderly neighbour
* Don’t restrict yourself to friends of the same age…some of the most valuable friendships are those where we have something to learn from one another

Kate James is a work life balance coach, writer and speaker. She works with professional people who want to enhance their quality of life by making the right career and life choices. You can find Kate at   www.totalbalance.com.au.