by Kate James

‘Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.’ Spencer Johnson

I have an inherent believe that most people are good…and that most people are honest. But some people choose to hide that honesty, keeping their true feelings close rather than speaking out openly.

The quote above suggests that living life by the principles of integrity and honesty is simple. But it’s complex and the real complexity lies in the shades of grey that colour the area between truth and dishonesty. This is further complicated by the fact that sometimes we don’t open up and say things as they really are because we don’t have that clarity ourselves.

Most of us set out to live honest lives. And on the surface, we do. We hand in a wallet we find on the street, we pay our taxes, we do the right thing by our employers and for the most part, we tell the truth to friends and family.

The ambiguity lies in the subtleties of life. In a small conversation with a friend, you find yourself agreeing with something when really you don’t. In a discussion with your partner you skirt around the real issue. With your children, your parents, your boss, you say yes when you really want to say no. Sometimes you’re not even aware of your true feelings at the time. For those of us who seem ‘hard wired’ to please others, there’s a natural tendency to simply go along.

These subtle untruths eventually have an impact…fine layer upon fine layer, gradually building a tangible film between the ‘authentic you’ and the ‘public you’. Sometimes the layers build for years before you become aware that you feel that your true self has been watered down and as a result, you find that your energy levels are depleted.

Mostly, we avoid the truth because we want to make other people happy. For many of us it’s habitual. We say what we think others want to hear but in doing so, we create a barrier that keeps us from really connecting.

Once you become aware that you’re not speaking openly, there’s that sense of having ‘an elephant in the room’. Something that isn’t spoken about that impedes an open and honest connection. A barrier that stands in the way of the lightness that comes with open, authentic conversation.

Whilst initiating and engaging in a heartfelt conversation can be daunting and sometimes difficult, the energy in a relationship (and in you) is miraculously restored when you lift the barriers to honest communication.

This is not to say that every single communication you ever have in your life must be completely open at all times. There’s a balance to be found and the simplest measure is to ask yourself whether withholding or sharing something will ultimately enrich the relationship.

Even if the short term impact is negative, creating openness and honesty is one of the best ways to breathe life into your relationships.

Tackling a tough conversation:

• Take some time to prepare - really think about what you need to say.
• Remove any accusations from the conversation. Getting your point across is easier if you can avoid making the other person wrong.
• Deal with just one issue at a time.
• Choose a time and place that is most conducive to a good conversation. Some people find it less confronting to talk openly when walking side by side rather than sitting face to face.
• Know when to let it go. If the conversation becomes heated and you or the other person feels overly emotional, agree to return to the discussion at a later date

Kate James is a work life balance coach, writer and speaker. She works with professional people who want to enhance their quality of life by making the right career and life choices. You can find Kate at www.totalbalance.com.au.

by Fiona Cosgrove

I recently read an article from the US about how people could “ride the wave” of potential financial disaster by returning to the “fundamentals” and concentrating on the really important stuff of life.. That got me thinking about what whether in Australia we should be thinking along the same lines and what those fundamentals might be.

Four come to mind.

1. Relationships

In today’s frantic world we believe we are in touch with everyone on a constant basis. Our electronic devices keep us on line and “connected” with colleagues, family and sometimes friends. But is a short sms the same as a meaningful conversation? And have you ever responded to an email and forgotten what you said, or whether in fact you wrote it? Somehow the illusion of connection to people makes us think we have our relationships intact, yet in fact these are often neglected.

Studies have shown that rich, satisfying relationships are the biggest predictor of happiness over anything else (including wealth and satisfying work). In times of hardship, invest time in the people who you care about.

• Attention deficit

When we divide our concentration and deny anyone our full attention, the relationship suffers. When we don’t listen properly or respond and show interest in what is being said, the person we are with feels unheard and unacknowledged. So next time you are talking someone, turn off your phone, your blackberry or computer and give them your full attention. A great tip is to ask a question, then follow it up with a question that arises from their answer. By focusing on other people, we can put aside our worries for the time being and gain the support we need. When we show interest in others, they return that interest in us.

• Chose your company

In times of stress it is important to surround ourselves with positive energy. Work out who makes us feel good and whose company we enjoy the most. You will find that often it is the people who listen and show interest in our lives. Give the same back to them. Some people have a way of “being with you” that does not necessitate a lot of conversation. In the same vein avoid the people who drain you.

2. Focus on what makes life good

• Don’t be scared of emotion

When we are under stress, we tend to block out our feelings and try and stay calm and cool. But refusing to acknowledge the way we feel can create a new set of problems. Negative emotions (such as fear, anger, resentment and loss) have to be recognized and worked through as they are a signal that something is wrong. Finding the cause of such feelings can give us direction to move either towards or away from a situation or to change it if we can. Positive emotions need to be enjoyed and savoured. Joy, excitement, contentment, and love are really what we ultimately strive for. It has been said that man needs a purpose to give his life meaning but without moments of pleasure along the way it is difficult to stay committed to the journey. Emotions lead to motion which leads to motivation. Emotions are the fuel that drives us. Without feelings, we will not prosper. Think about what is most important – material wealth or emotional prosperity? Avoiding strong emotions is not healthy.

3. What gets you out of bed in the morning

• Find your purpose

What do you enjoy doing? What gets you out of bed in the morning? Is it the thought of making more money or the fear of losing it? I doubt that it’s either. Money can be a by-product of working at something we enjoy. There are times when we have to do things we don’t enjoy and during those times it is essential to find outlets in activities that we gain pleasure and meaning from. There are also times when we have to sacrifice the good things in favour of temporary hardship which will lead to greater reward in the future. We will only do this if we have a purpose to work towards. If we make accumulating wealth our sole purpose in life we will have an empty existence. We need a goal that is meaningful but the process of achieving that goal has to be as important as the outcome. If our goals are too distant, we will lose our will to keep going.

• Meaning in each day

We need more than a long term purpose in life, we need a purpose in our lives each day. Work out what activities give you satisfaction, and are in some way connected to your values. Is it spending time with your kids? Walking your dog? Exercising? Doing something good for a neighbour? Gardening, sailing or playing golf? Reading? We all find meaning in different ways. Try and include some activity each day that gives you a sense of fulfillment.

4. Stay in touch with your physical health

• Let your body support you

Everything can be going right in our lives but if we don’t heave good health, we will be unable to enjoy each day. In today’s busy world, many people fall prey to letting their physical health deteriorate as they focus on their mental health or achieving their professional goals. What we forget is that exercise, good nutrition, adequate rest, hydration and relaxation are primarily connected to our overall state of wellbeing. Take stock of where your body is at. Are you carrying extra weight? Is your cardiovascular system getting a work out? Are you providing your body with the right fuel and rest? I believe that good physical health is about as fundamental as you can get. Without it, nothing else will be fully achieved. If reading this section makes you feel uncomfortable do yourself a big favour and get a thorough medical check up then take steps to change your lifestyle to give your body the best chance of keeping up with the demands of a complex and sometimes challenging life.

In troubled times, stepping back and reflecting on what is fundamental to our happiness is a worthwhile activity.

Fiona Cosgrove has over 20 years experience in the wellness & fitness industry - owning and managing clubs in Australia and Asia, including No 1 Martin Place, NSW Fitness Centre of the Year, 2006. Fiona is the author of Coach Yourself to Wellness and she regularly runs corporate seminars and workshops in the areas of healthy lifestyle, motivation and wellness.

by Craig Harper

Hmm, where to start with this topic…

Well, I guess this chat might not technically fall into the personal development category. It definitely wouldn’t come under the health/fitness banner. And it’s not really a motivational piece either. Although it might motivate some to change a thing or two in their world. Could be seen as a social commentary piece. Or perhaps an exploration into relationships and communication. Or maybe a mindless rant from a single bloke with way too many issues, who’s trying to rationalise his bachelor existence. You decide.

Anyway (said in the voice of Ross from Friends)….

One of the many interesting things about being a life-long, single male in his early forties is people’s reactions to that single-ness (yep, a word). Everyone has an opinion on it. Depending on the person’s thinking, it can place me anywhere on the scale from ‘complete social outcast’, to ‘coolest bloke on earth’ and ‘luckiest man alive’. And elicit responses ranging from pity and ridicule, to envy and admiration. Or in the case of my mother, complete devastation. My darling mum (mom) sees me essentially as a means to a grandchild and to be honest, I have been a bitter disappointment. Sure, she wants me happily married, but what she really wants… is that kid!! And yes, she lets me know it.

I love the mentality that says “single at that age, must be something wrong with him!”
Yep, had plenty of that.
“He’s how old?.. and no woman, must have a lot of issues.”
“Poor thing.”
Interesting psychology that. Yet, very common.

It’s like they have a picture in their mind of me sitting at home every night in my underwear, in a room lit by candles, eating meatloaf flavoured ice-cream from a paper plate, with my pet rat Eugene on my shoulder, my feet in one of those foot spas, a little ‘Enya’ playing in the background and some strategically placed cushions with images of my ex-girlfriends embroidered on them, lying around the room.
That’s okay right?
If I had said tuna flavoured ice-cream, now that woulda been weird.
Waddya mean the cushion thing is creepy?
Oh well.

We all know that married people have no issues and that if, per chance, they do enter into their matrimonial journey with a few problems, the marriage ceremony will alleviate those instantly and forever. Great how that works isn’t it?

What people think about me being single doesn’t bother me at all, but it does interest me. For some bizarre reason, my single-ness is fascinating to some. I personally don’t think it’s interesting at all, but you would be shocked by the number of people who want to interrogate me regarding my ‘lack of wife’ status, in an attempt to discover what’s wrong with me. “There’s gotta be something, it’s not normal” someone told me not too long ago. I wonder if I wasn’t single, whether people would say “so Craig, why are you married?”

Apparently, as a Personal Development speaker and writer I should be married. It’s a rule. People have suggested that my career would benefit from my extrication from the world of single-dom. Doesn’t matter if I’m happily married or not, as long as I’m married.

A woman said to me recently, “I thought someone as evolved as you, would have found your soul-mate long ago.” I actually laughed out loud at her. “Clearly, I have a way to go”, was my response. Her friend (in the same conversation) suggested that I was probably gay but didn’t know it, or want to admit it. “Oh, I’m pretty sure I’m not”, I shared. “You think you’re sure”, she said. “All the pretty girls you meet, and not one wife?” I didn’t realise ‘pretty’ was the determinant for a life partner. Missed that memo. Okay, note to self: if she’s hot, marry her. There’s my big mistake; stupidly, I’ve been looking beyond appearance. Idiot.

Apparently, my single-ness is some kind of indicator of dysfunction. That’s it, I’m gettin’ married this week. That’ll fix me. Weirdo that I am.

I would never have thought to write an article on this topic, but some people seem to be fascinated by the whole single verses married discussion and in my little world, the conversation seems regularly to be directed back towards me. Of course there is no wrong or right, only opinions, so that’s what I’m sharing. People often want to hear my thoughts on marriage because I’m single. Don’t know why.
“Do you have marriage issues”, I got asked last week. No, I love the idea of marriage and maybe I will be happily married one day, but if I don’t get married, that’s cool too. What I do have a problem with is, marrying someone who I’m not desperately, hopelessly in love with; marriage for the sake of not being single - seen it a million times.

For some people it’s like…
“Yep, he (she) ticks all the right boxes, definitely a candidate. Let’s see, money - check, good family - check, career - check, looks - check… marriage it is”
“Er, yeh but I don’t really love him.”
“Stop being unrealistic, your thirty four, your biological clock is racing, you won’t do any better.”

Over the years I have had many people say to me, “Hmm, you’d be a good catch… you need to meet my sister/daughter/cousin/girlfriend!” And their reason for saying that I’m a ‘catch’ is not because of my values, personality, integrity or all-round good-bloke-ness (a word), it’s because they see me as being moderately successful and financially secure. A safe bet.
I find that sad.
“Yes, he ticks enough boxes, put him on the list Sally.”

To me, some people seem to be more in love with the ‘idea’ of marriage than the actual person they’re marrying or are married to. I see this as a catastrophe in waiting. It’s also apparent that some people are so petrified of being single, that finding their ’soul mate’ gets compromised down to “is he or she breathing? Wouldn’t have been my first (or tenth) choice but hey, I have limited options, so giddyup cowboy(girl), get me that ring.”

I have had literally thousands of conversations over the last three hundred years (you know I’m immortal right?) with people who are miserable in their marriage, yet amazingly, do nothing to fix it, or change the situation. For many people, marriage is something to be endured, tolerated even and of course for others, it’s the best thing that will ever happen to them.

Okay, here are some random thoughts on the matter. Feel free to correct me or teach me a lesson - I am just a single bloke…

1. I am not against marriage in any way. Most of my friends are married and I know it can be an incredible part of the human experience. Given the opportunity with the right person, I would love to share my life with someone but, I’d rather be single forever, than married for the sake of it. And yep, I’ve been close a few times.

2. I don’t believe that people need to be married to be fulfilled, functional, balanced or happy; those things are not dependant on marital status. You don’t need to be a researcher to discover that marriage doesn’t (automatically) equal happiness, just open your eyes. People seem to struggle with the thought of me being single and happy. They think I’m lying. It bothers them.
“You’re not really happy, you only think you are… you’re just trying to convince yourself.”
“Er, okay. I didn’t realise how miserable I am - thanks”.

3. Some people are so terrified of being alone that they will compromise themselves to the point of actually losing their identity. “I’ll be whatever you want me to be..” You’ve seen it. Maybe you’ve been it. Misery and frustration is always the result. It’s important (for many reasons) that we learn to be comfortable and secure on our own before we launch into a life partnership.

4. A person who really gets to know themself and is truly comfortable with their own company, will be more attractive to a potential partner.

5. Too many people enter into marriage wearing those rose coloured glasses, only to have them ripped off by about day three. They spend a year planning how to have a great wedding and zero time planning how to have a great marriage.

6. People who have that sense of urgency to get married are less likely to find marital bliss and less likely to appeal to a potential partner. Note to all wanna-be brides and grooms: Desperation - not attractive.

7. While I’m open to the idea of marriage, and I would love a little Craig or Craigette one day, I love my life right now and I gotta say, singledom… not as horrible as some would have you believe!!!

Okay, now that I’ve opened that can of worms, I’ll let you play with them.
I’m off to finish my meatloaf ice-cream and revel in my dysfunction.
Hey, where’s Eugene gone?

Leave your numerous comments below. You know the drill.

Craig Harper is a motivational speaker, qualified exercise scientist, author, radio presenter, television personality and owner of one of the largest personal training centres in the world. Visit Craig’s website motivational speaker for more life lessons.

by Kate James

‘We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.’ Sam Keen

Given how much we change over the course of our adult lives, it seems only natural that we will occasionally experience difficult times within our long term relationships. Whether they be with friends, partner or family, charting a completely smooth course throughout the years isn’t always easy. I would actually go so far as to say that a long term relationship without the occasional glitch along the way is potentially not a completely open one.

I’m not suggesting that we need to seek out conflict or difficulty in order to enjoy a satisfying friendship or partnership but we do need to acknowledge that people have their differences and over the passage of time, we change. We need to be willing to address the issues that arise to allow our relationship to continue to grow. Sometimes working through such issues results in a degree of conflict.

In some relationships, conflict is viewed as completely unacceptable. Keeping the peace and maintaining harmony at all costs is a greater goal than speaking openly and honesty. In others, conflict is dealt with in an angry or hostile manner that evokes fear and insecurity. In a healthy relationship, differences of opinion are acknowledged and talked through - even when those conversations are difficult.

Sometimes our differences of opinion need to be accepted as an integral part of the fabric we weave with the people we love. It is these very differences that bring richness and colour to our lives as we allow ourselves to be open to new ways of seeing things.

If you’ve ever worked through a challenging patch and resolved or agreed to accept a difference in opinion, you know the experience of greater depth in your connection. There is nothing quite as validating as the sense that the person you love knows you deeply.

Too often we walk away from long term partners when the going gets tough. The culture we live in is partly to blame. Society often sends us the message that if it’s not perfect, it’s not good enough. Much of what we’ve learnt to expect from relationships has come from formulaic film scripts designed to make us feel good but that don’t offer a ‘real’ picture of love.

Real love is complex - it doesn’t necessarily feel great every day but the true measure is whether your life is richer with that person in it.

Creating a lasting relationship:

• Remember three things that attracted you to your partner (or friend) in the early days of your relationship and acknowledge that person for one of those things every day for a week

• Accept (and admit) your own imperfections and say sorry if you need to

• Avoid constantly criticising your partner - make sure your positive interactions significantly outweigh your negative interactions

• Make a commitment to spend time together doing something you both enjoy

• Keep your sense of humour

Kate James is a work life balance coach, writer and speaker. She works with professional people who want to enhance their quality of life by making the right career and life choices. You can find Kate at   www.totalbalance.com.au.

by Andrew May

Our modern way of living teaches us that faster is better. Speed is the new king with our lives measured in bits and bytes, and dissected into micro-detail. Is it any wonder our health, performance and relationships begin to suffer?

We are not designed to go flat out around the clock. Life is meant to be a series of sprints interspersed with periods of rest and recovery. Our culture has conditioned us to think that slow is the enemy of achievement, yet as the Slow Movement is showing us, nothing could be further from the truth.

The Slow Movement

The Slow Movement is about slowing down and taking time to enjoy the things that give us pleasure. It’s about reconnecting with food, people and places, but it’s not anti-work or even anti-capitalist. In fact as Carl Honoré says in his book, In Praise of Slow, “The secret is balance. Instead of doing everything faster, do everything at the right speed. Sometimes fast. Sometimes slow. Sometimes somewhere in between”.

Founded by Carlo Petrini, the movement started in the late 80’s as a foodie fight back against the opening of a McDonald’s restaurant on Rome’s Spanish Steps. Slow Food gave birth to Slow Cities, or Cittaslow in Italian. Adhering to the Cittaslow Manifesto, these towns of 50,000 or less embody a way of life that supports slow living; where traditions and conventional ways of doing things are valued.

In Australia, the town of Goolwa was recently named our first Cittaslow, while Bloodwood Vineyard in Orange is now making slow wines. Annually, Canberra also hosts the Slow Festival in celebration of all things, well, slow.

Lessons in slow from Kenya

When I was a middle distance runner in the 90’s, every year we’d get the opportunity to train with Kenyan athletes who would come out to Australia. Each year a different group of athletes would come, and amazingly each year a new champion would emerge from their ranks: the talent pool seemed endless. What did they know that we didn’t?

There’s a phrase in Swahili that sums it up, ‘hapa hapa’. It means slowly, slowly, and that’s exactly the way these high speed Kenyans took things. They listened to their bodies, training when they felt good and taking time off when they needed rest, often for weeks at a time. Looking back on my running career, I really believe I would have run much faster if I’d taken more notice of the Kenyans and trained hard and recovered even harder!

Eight go slow tips

Here are some great ways to apply the slow philosophy:

1. Slow stretching
Try doing a gentle 5 to 10 minute stretching routine before going to bed. Slow your breathing and your heart rate.

2. Slow walking
Emulate my dog, Cougar. Stop and sniff absolutely everything!

3. Slow weekends
Don’t race around trying to see and please everyone. Try shifting back a few gears and getting rid of the weekend to-do list.

4. Slow mini-breaks
Get away for a three day mini-break, but avoid scheduling every waking hour with sightseeing.

5. Slow food
Copy the Italians with a three to five course meal that takes a few hours to get through, washed down with a couple of glasses of hearty vino.

6. Slow gardening
Just stop and smell the roses! Potter in the garden and take stock of the beautiful smells and plants.

7. Slow sex
Tantric sex is not just for hippies and rock stars like Sting. This 5,000 year old discipline advocates slow sex as a way to increase awareness.

8. Slow thinking
Stretch out on the grass and stare up at the clouds. It’s amazing how often the biggest breakthroughs come when you turn off the conscious chatter.

Like to know more?

For more on Slow Movement practise, try Carl Honore’s book, In Praise of Slow – How a worldwide movement is challenging the cult of speed, or my latest book, Flip the Switch – Why performance increases when you play hard and recover even harder.

Andrew May is is considered Australia’s leading expert on performance and productivity and is the author of the bestselling book, Flip the Switch. Andrew speaks at conferences across the globe, mentors CEO’s and senior managers. He is published throughout national and international media, with regular segments on 2UE radio, Mix 106.5 Body and Soul and Channel Nine’s TODAY show.

By Craig Harper

Poor Delusional Me

Being a single bloke in his forties draws all kinds of comments, suggestions, inferences and questions from a broad cross-section of people, with responses ranging from pity to surprise, through to outright jealousy. Apparently the most interesting thing about me (for some people) is my wife-less-ness (a Craigism). Clearly there’s something weird, dark and dysfunctional about me that needs to be explored and explained.

Or… I could just be a happy, single bloke.

Naaah.

Pity

Women periodically feel sorry for me (while simultaneously trying to hook me up with their sister, cousin, neighbour or girlfriend), while blokes have been known to ask if I’d be interested in trading lives with them. According to some people, I must be miserable, lonely, unfulfilled and emotionally inept. Apparently I just think I’m happy; I’m just telling myself that to make ‘me’ feel better about being tragically single. And lonely. Poor delusional Craig.

Gotta say, my delusion is quite the place. You should visit.

The Happiness Fraud

After all, we live in our head and we create our own reality don’t we? So if I think I’m happy and I feel happy then that would make me… happy. Wouldn’t it? Nope, apparently I’m in denial. Consciously happy but subconsciously miserable. All this time and I didn’t realise. So ignorant of me. I’ve been a happiness fraud without knowing it. I best start working on my frown. And my country music CD collection. If only I could find an unhappy married person to challenge the marriage-happiness correlation theory. As if I’m gonna find one of them.

Oh well.

Husband anyone?

A Rubik’s Cube with Hair

Last time I spoke about being single on this site I was inundated with feedback on the matter. I personally seem to go through cycles where my wife-less-ness is of greater or lesser interest to other people. For me, it’s a non-issue but it seems that some people are always trying to figure me out. Apparently I’m some kind of complex human puzzle that needs to be solved. Or cured perhaps. Someone raises the subject with me at least once a week. Never smoked, never consumed alcohol, never been married = weird. At least once a week I hear something like “it’s strange that someone in your position (my position?) isn’t married.” Okay, it’s official; I’m strange. If not me, my situation.

Ticking the Boxes

But this article is not about my marital status, it’s about pressure, standards, expectations and the unwritten rules. You know the rules. Living in Western Society there are certain boxes which (allegedly) need to be ticked if we’re going to fit in and be seen as normal. The irony of normal being that while it’s apparently desirable, it’s not necessarily where happiness lives. In reality, some people’s (version of) normal is actually what provides them with the most pain, frustration and grief. We think we want normal but perhaps what we really want is exceptional. Abnormal even. After all, take a look at society’s normal and it ain’t really that attractive. In fact, we could say that it looks kinda broke, a little chubby, somewhat unhealthy, not particularly happy and decidedly unfulfilled (miserable) with it’s career.

2.3 Kids

Of course there are the accepted (expected maybe) social standards and behaviours; kind of like a life TO DO list. It’s not always spoken of… but it exists. All the stuff us normal folk are meant to do over the course of our normal lives. Marriage (at least once), kids (2.3 of them), annual holidays (2-4 weeks, somewhere warm), buy a house (pay it off over two hundred years - can’t go wrong with real estate), a sensible job (large firm, good conditions, something secure, potential for progression), weekly attendance at a house of worship (keeping in mind the eternal consequences of non-attendance)… you get the point. Of course there’s nothing wrong (at all) with aspiring to marriage, a good career, financial success, a couple of rug rats or a respected place in the congregation or the after-life, but the problem lies in our (society’s) consensual thinking that ticking these boxes automatically provides an individual with a better (more balanced, more fulfilled, more worthwhile, happier) life than the person who ticks zero (of those) boxes.

The Enormity of Conformity

On some level we all want to fit in, but it seems that in trying to blend in with the landscape of humanity we often lose our purpose, our individuality and our sense of self. We lose, or maybe never discover, the real us. The us we could be. Should be. Rather than exploring our potential, our talent, our curiosities and our passion, we become what’s expected of us. We tick boxes. We keep parents happy. Bosses happy. We say the right things. Do the right things. We conform. We become another clone. And living in a world which so often punishes individuality, conformity is understandable. Sad, but understandable.

Rules Schmules

I often think about the impact that the great unspoken TO DO list has on our lives. The rules, the expectations, the pressure, the confusion, the embarrassment and even the shame of not conforming, not ticking all the boxes and not living up to society’s standards or the expectations of others in our world. Some of us have spent far too much time, ticking way too many boxes. Perhaps it’s time to stop.

Craig Harper is a motivational speaker, qualified exercise scientist, author, radio presenter, television personality and owner of one of the largest personal training centres in the world. Visit Craig’s website motivational speaker for more life lessons.

By Kate James

‘If a man does not make new acquaintances as he advances through life, he will soon find himself alone.’ Samuel Johnson

It’s funny how some days you think you have all the friends in the world and then others, you wake up and wonder who you can catch up with for a drink or dinner or a walk.

During school and university, it’s generally pretty easy to make friends. You’re surrounded by people of similar ages and your lives have enough common ground for you to be able to relate to one another. For most people, those friendships last comfortably into their twenties or even thirties but after that, things often start to change.

As people pair up, travel overseas or start their own families, friends become dispersed - if not by distance then by the differences in life circumstances. Many of the clients I see in their early thirties (both men and women) have found themselves somewhat bereft of a fulfilling social network. Particularly those who are single.

One of the difficulties lies in knowing where to connect with people your own age…and the next is finding the motivation to get out there and do something about it. Admitting to loneliness is taboo in our society, but the truth is, we all experience it at some time in our lives and its effects are deeply felt.

At a recent meditation retreat, I discovered something truly valuable. In a peaceful, unhurried setting, where there was time to really get to know people, everyone was interesting. Spending a weekend together (albeit, with a shared interest) helped. But the thing that had the most profound effect on me personally was the attitude of a fellow guest at the beginning of the weekend. When asked by Paul Wilson (the retreat leader) what brought us here, this participant said ‘I’ve been to many retreats before and what I enjoy most is that every person I’ve met is interesting’.

Ian’s words made me realise how much we limit ourselves in creating room for new friends in our lives. We judge others too quickly; we anticipate that everyone else has enough friends and therefore wouldn’t be open to an approach from us; we imagine we’re not good enough or we simply allow ourselves to accept that the way things are is all that will ever be.

If you have room in your life for a new friend, don’t sit back and wait for it to happen.

* join a group that interests you - Adult Education have a whole range of different options http://www.cae.edu.au/
* Volunteer somewhere - Good Company is great if you can’t commit to ongoing volunteer work http://www.goodcompany.com.au/
* Rekindle an old friendship. Don’t let it bother you that its been years since you’ve been in touch with someone…make the call today
* Be bold - ask an acquaintance you have something in common with out for coffee
* Get to know the parents of your children’s friends better by inviting them for dinner
* Make friends with an elderly neighbour
* Don’t restrict yourself to friends of the same age…some of the most valuable friendships are those where we have something to learn from one another

Kate James is a work life balance coach, writer and speaker. She works with professional people who want to enhance their quality of life by making the right career and life choices. You can find Kate at   www.totalbalance.com.au.

by Maya Anderson

Feeling frustrated, lethargic or like you have stagnated? Or feel like you just can’t move on from a broken relationship? Clearing out your material clutter can re-energise you and give you a new lease on life. Maya Anderson reports.

If you’ve ever felt peaceful or satisfied after you’ve given a messy room a good cleanout, there’s a reason. According to feng shui and clutter clearing consultant Nidia Hansen from Global Feng Shui having clutter in your home or workplace creates stagnation in your life in a variety of ways. “Clutter clearing is a modern and helpful means of making a difference in your life,” Ms Hansen said.

Feng shui dictates that everything in the universe is surrounded by qi (also spelt chi and ki), its life force or electromagnetic energy. “Qi can affect our life in two ways: the external one that surrounds our living space or work building, and the internal one within our home or office,” Ms Hansen said. “To be harmonious and productive, the qi has to be free flowing and not restricted.”

Clearing out unwanted or unneeded material from the home and workplace can re-energise us and boost our outlook. “By keeping your spaces relatively clutter-free, you are not only allowing the free flow of the qi, but you are removing stagnant or dead qi created by that clutter, giving yourself new opportunities in your life,” Ms Hansen said.

Permanent clutter could cause poor concentration, stress, resentfulness and lowered immunity. “It affects your personal image and how others perceive you – as neglected, unworthy, disorganised or ignored.” Clutter can also cost you money. “How many times have you bought unnecessary – and perhaps the same – books, tools, hardware, frozen foods, CDs, makeup or have downloaded the same information because you can’t find it?” Ms Hansen said. “Worst of all, clutter creates chaos, impedes new opportunities, occupies space and affects relationships.”

Perth-based psychotherapist Katie Altham said clutter can be an unconscious burden that adds to our stress levels, making us feel out of control or ashamed of being disorganised. “We often feel guilty for not having dealt with or finished that which is constantly around us. Our self-esteem is affected and our sense of inner peace can be completely sabotaged.”

Ms Altham said while excess clutter can keep us from moving forward, letting go of it is very difficult for many people, particularly when stressed or when clinging onto the shreds of a former relationship seems important. “Having many familiar things around can help us feel we belong and bring temporary comfort, however they can also lock us into the past and days gone by, holding us back emotionally, physically and mentally,” she said.

Some people hoard things in case they ever need them, or feel guilty getting rid of unwanted things given as gifts. According to Ms Hansen, other common reasons people hoard things is because they fear not having enough, enjoy buying and accumulating things to demonstrate success, or use retail therapy to cover unsolved emotional problems.

Fear of change and the unknown can also cause us to cling to material things. Ms Altham said everyone has times when life seems to stagnate and we become resistant to any change. “Clearing clutter will help to shift this impasse and make us feel constructive and pro-active again. Whenever I get stuck in my life and feel somewhat impotent, I have a spring clean around the house, clearing clutter. As I’m doing this, I’m also sorting through the clutter and rubbish in my thoughts. Within three days, there is always a breakthrough of some kind and my life seems to move again.”

So what things should we give or throw away? Ms Hansen said while commonly collected clutter includes clothes, shoes, documents, written information and memorabilia, what is termed clutter varies according to individuals. “Our lifestyles are diverse – what is useless for one person could be a treasure or useful to another,” she said.

A good idea when de-cluttering is to ask yourself whether you love the object, or if it is useful to you and your current life. “Question yourself: do I need it, or do I want it? Why do I keep this? How many times have I used it or will I use it? Be honest with yourself,” Ms Hansen said.

Clearing things that are reminders of unhappy memories, such as broken relationships, can help you move forwards. “There are positive and negative messages about ourselves throughout our environment,” Ms Altham said. “For example, photos of past occasions where we felt unhappy – even though we may have been smiling – or with people no longer with us can be detrimental.” Either bin photos or memorabilia that provoke unhappy memories, or put them in albums out of constant sight.

Clutter includes anything broken or unfinished, which often reflect issues not dealt with, and things that cause guilt. “A client told me last week how he had 20 to 30 text books strewn around his lounge that he knew he should read,” Ms Altham said. “He felt sure they would be of benefit, yet not being a huge reader, felt overwhelmed by them.” He decided to donate them to his library, knowing he could get them out if he wanted to read them. “His lounge and home feels much lighter now, and the silent burden of books not read, gone,” Ms Altham said.

Break down your clutter clearing into smaller tasks – one cupboard, box or drawer at a time. “Sort items into types: rubbish, recycling, return, donation or for sale,” Ms Hansen said. “Have a garage sale – they can be good fun and rewarding financially and mentally.”

• Things to Throw Out or Donate

• Anything that you don’t love or that isn’t useful

• Photos, cards or letters that remind you of unhappy times

• Empty ice cream containers, egg cartons, jars or other items that you’re collecting in case they come in useful

• Things that are broken that you know no-one will get around to fixing

• Unwanted gifts

• Clothes that you haven’t worn in a year or that no longer fit

• Reminders of broken relationships

• Old magazines and newspapers that won’t get read again

• Unused electronic equipment, exercise gear and unwanted toys

• Books that are not useful or that you did not enjoy

Maya Anderson is a full-time freelance journalist who specialises in health, fitness, nutrition and wellbeing issues. To contact Maya, email maya.anderson@hotmail.com

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I WISH I was going to have sex this weekend. All the conditions will be ripe for it.

I’ll be in Florida. I’ll be out on the town toasting a friend’s 40th birthday. I’ll be basking in the sun, with a couple of my closest gorgeous girlfriends, all of us sipping our favorite girlie drinks. And I’m 99.9 percent sure we’ll talk about sex.

But that will be the extent of it - the sex, that is. We’re not the “Girls Gone Wild” type. So, thanks to our “no men” rule, we’re in for a sexless weekend, which kind of stinks, because vacation sex can work wonders for the heart, mind, and soul - at least if you’re going about it as a couple.

Few terms can rev up and relax the body at the same time as easily as “vacation sex.” It’s many a lover’s favorite passion pastime. One’s libido and sex life come alive at the mere thought of being in an Eros-inducing elsewhere. Vacation sex makes for some of the best sex because …You get away from the daily grind.

In cutting off your “lifelines” (for example, cell phones and e-mail access), you escape the temptation to work. This allows you to get away from pressures, distractions, worries and responsibilities — basically, any of those libido-killers that affect your love life most days of the year.

While on vacation, you can totally devote yourself to nurturing your sexual needs and desires — and to attending to those of your lover. This is one of the reasons the vast majority of American marriage counselors recommend a regular weekend away as the one thing that can help a marriage, especially a struggling one.

Novelty makes for more nookie.

People love having sex in new places. This is in large part because of the neurotransmitter dopamine. When people have new experiences, dopamine spikes in the brain, triggering lust. And with that, many are willing to try something new and exciting. What better place to get “sexperimental” than on vacation?

Romance gets reconstructed.

In a new, romantic, or exotic place, lovers can rediscover one another. In trying different restaurants or embarking on a variety of nightlife activities, every evening that you’re away feels like a date night, each with its own distinct backdrop. All of this enhances lovers’ moods, helping them to feel better about one another and more connected.

You “get lucky” a lot.

When you make the time for nothing but lovin’, that’s hopefully what you’re going to get – and lots of it. Sex will breed the desire for more sex, making both partners feel better about their sex life and the relationship. This is both for couples already content with their sex life and those hoping their vacation will make for some romance repair.

Obviously, most of the aforementioned benefits of vacation sex are realized by monogamous couples. That’s not to say that singles can’t get randy and have rebel-rousing vacation sex as well. Many of them go on vacation hoping for sexual adventure, with single women letting their hair down even more.

Studies have shown that when single women are on vacation, they are more willing to lower their standards for sex than when they are in their home environment. Vacations are the times when women are most likely to have one-night stands or hook-ups and feel good about it.

At the same time, however, men shouldn’t assume that a gal they fancy is going to be easy prey. In general, women have a harder time than men lowering their standards for sex, because women are more complex when it comes to the pre-conditions for desire. This bump in the road is probably a good thing, given the increased risk of getting infected with a sexually transmitted disease or conceiving while on vacation.

Research published in the British-based medical journal Sexually Transmitted Infections reveals that a substantial number of people visiting international nightlife resorts have sex with people they meet while abroad. For example, more than half of travelers visiting Ibiza, Spain — an international dance resort — had sex with at least one person, with more than 26 percent of males and almost 15 percent of females having sex with more than one individual.

Factors that influence one’s decision to shag while on vacation include: Alcohol and/or drug use, fearlessness in anonymity, peer pressure, loss of inhibition in a foreign place, and the perception that sex is accessible. The end result: Increased STDs and pregnancy rates.

So if you’re single or the sort to be unfaithful, make sure you’re looking out for yourself in planning for even the potential of vacation sex. Before going anywhere, do a risk assessment of your destination and sexual intentions. Geographic distribution maps provided by the World Health Organization can help you assess how widespread HIV/AIDS and hepatitis are in your travel destination.

Regardless, common sense would be to assume risk everywhere, which means always practice safe sex if you’re not planning to abstain. Furthermore, consider well and honestly who you may sleep with. Commercial sex workers, for example, pose an increased risk of infection due to their own greater opportunities for exposure. If you can, get immunized against hepatitis B and pack condoms before you travel.

Read Original Article here

Dr. Yvonne Kristín Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, “Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots.”

by Dr Tim Sharp

Satisfying and fulfilling relationships are sought after by the vast majority of people. So why does it seem so difficult sometimes to achieve this? Research tells us that happiness depends to some extent on having good quality relationships, yet divorce rates are rising and the average number and duration of marriages is falling.

Whether you believe that your current relationship is particularly unfulfilling or generally pretty good, you can always improve its quality by making some (often small) changes. There is an extensive body of research investigating the factors that contribute to satisfying relationships, as well as what factors make a relationship more likely to fail. The following list of suggestions incorporates beliefs, skills and concepts that have been taken from that research. Whilst they are written with intimate relationships in mind, many of the strategies can also be applied to friendships and family relationships.

1. Long-term, mutually fulfilling relationships don’t happen easily or without effort. Many of our beliefs about relationships and romance have elements of movie or fairytale ideas such as being “soul mates”. Sometimes we look at relationships of people around us and they seem near perfect, and we might think, “they’re lucky to be so happy and so close”. Fulfilling relationships have little to do with luck and more to do with a willingness to make the relationship a priority and to make a focused effort.

2. A relationship starts with yourself. Ensure you are satisfied with who you are as an individual, and with other aspects of your life (eg: work). A relationship is more likely to be successful if it consists of two complete individuals, compared to relationships in which one partner is relying on the relationship to make themselves “whole”.

3. Communicate. There is no doubt that effective communication is a key to maintaining a satisfying relationship. Try to keep calm when discussing issues with your partner, don’t forget to listen (communication is two-way!) and be specific in describing your feelings or needs. Don’t assume your partner knows how you feel, why you feel that way, or what you need at any given time - they are not mind readers!! For more information see our tip sheet, “Effective Communicating”.

4. Be respectful and constructive in your disagreements. This is a hard one, but the research says couples who can see their partner’s perspective during arguments have considerably fewer disagreements and the disagreements are shorter. Ensure you agree on what you are actually arguing about, and understand that it is not you against each other: it is both of you against the problem.

5. Compromise. Whilst it’s important to be assertive in a relationship and make your needs clear, it’s also essential that both partners compromise in some areas. With two individuals with different histories and personalities, we should expect differences in opinions and preferences. Try to respect those differences and even appreciate them! Compromise is therefore essential for a good relationship.

6. Be unselfish. Unfortunately it can be easy to focus exclusively on how a relationship is making you fulfilled and happy, and what you think your partner should be doing to facilitate this. But the happiest of relationships involve both partners striving to ensure the happiness and wellbeing of the other one. Make it routine to go out of your way to do something for your partner’s sake that won’t necessarily directly benefit you.

7. Openly show your love and appreciation. Happy couples tend to show their happiness with each other more openly than dissatisfied couples. Don’t assume your partner knows you love/respect/appreciate them just because you may have been together a long time. Tell them as often as you can, particularly in relation to specific things (eg: “I really appreciate that you always do the washing up without me having to ask”).

8. Don’t be afraid to say, “I’m sorry” and “thank you”. These two simple phrases can significantly reduce arguments and shorten the length of post-argument “hangovers”. Even if you think that your partner “should” do a certain task/chore, saying thank you is still appreciated and provides reinforcement so your partner is more likely to do it again (and feel happy about it).

9. Don’t compare your relationship with other relationships. This is a common mistake, yet it is rarely helpful. Each relationship is different, and other relationships can often seem more ideal than they really are, which just leaves you feeling dissatisfied with your own relationship.

10. Be patient and understanding with your partner, and focus on each other’s strengths more than on faults. Of course, no one is perfect, but this can be easy to forget sometimes when we have expectations of our partner! Try to actively focus on your partner’s positive qualities and strengths (eg: list two things each day that you appreciate in your partner), rather than on their faults or how you want them to change. Do this for a few days and you will appreciate the benefits

11. Find a happy medium by spending some time together and some time alone. Of course quality time together as a couple is important in maintaining a satisfying relationship, but most people also require time to themselves. Find activities that you enjoy doing together, but don’t necessarily force your preferences on your partner when it may be much more enjoyable for you to engage in some activities alone or with another friend.

12. Don’t wait to start making the changes that you feel will improve the quality of your relationship: seize the day!! How often do you put things off until later when you think you will have more time/energy/motivation? If you know the direction in which you want to head, start today and make small changes and small efforts each day. This will help you achieve the fulfilling relationship that you are seeking. For further information see our tip sheet, “Goal Setting”.

Dr. Sharp is one of Australia’s leaders in the exciting new science of positive psychology and happiness. In short, he is one of this country’s leading Executive Coaches, a highly qualified consultant on matters relating to human behaviour and psychology (particularly the application of positive psychology principles within organisations and teams) and a sought after public/corporate speaker. For more information please email info@thehappinessinstitute or visit The Happiness Institute